Friday, December 21, 2007

Winter Solstice 2007


The day begins with morning sun slanting through a mist reminiscent of a fine, silver snow falling across the neighbor's lawn. The light has drifted south into a notch between the houses before filtering through the oaks which jealously clutch their leaves until spring. The evening promises to be humid, the air thick, penetrating and chill. The sun reflects off a dampened driveway that could be coated with ice, setting fire to a normally shadowed corner of the room.

Behind the house, snowbird starlings perch atop the power lines wing to wing, slowly nudging each other out from the center. First one, then another seeks a more prestigious position that chases down the line like the ripples of a rumor. At the end, the least becomes first as he circles below and sends another murmur of a conversation through his lesser peers. One line down, the final outcast takes wing which startles the flock into flight. They spring to the air as one, wheeling across the sky, their shadows by the hundreds speckling the grass like the shade of a thick-trunked maple on a windy day. After a time they resettle, content for a moment until one covets his neighbor's place and the jostling begins again.

The winter solstice is our high holiday. For us, the day is elemental, composed of fire and water, earth and air, and spirit. Candles throw back the darkness of our troubles. The lake reflects the sunset as we reflect upon the year. The stone out front stands only slightly more weathered like a sentinel and reminder. The wind echoes our transgressions and whispers its forgiveness. We fill our glasses with a measure of each, the mixture reawakening our souls after their long slumber, healing any damage like a balm.

Like the starlings, we observe rituals that onlookers may not always understand as we send forth our desire for a better year ahead. Such wishes are the gifts we sometimes share with others, wisps of parchment fitted into the cracks of a wall, stones thrown at a pillar to beat back temptation, lights floated down a river to wash away our sins, votives flickering in a nave in remembrance of our dead. Symbols and ceremonies that fill the emptiness we sometimes feel, reminding us that we're human. In community or solitude, such prayers populate this longest night. Like the constellations and wandering stars, together they are bright enough to guide us once we let our eyes adjust, like the lone lamp upon our stove burning through the night.

Whatever the light that guides you on your winter celebrations, we hope that it, like your Solstice, remains warm and bright.


© 2007 Edward P. Morgan III

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Thank You and Goodbye


By the time I found them again, they no longer had names, only numbers. To the county, each could be represented in five digits, like a concentration camp internee whose identity had been tattooed upon his arm. To me they were living, breathing creatures that deserved a chance to stay alive.

Of course, they never knew they had been named. They were wild animals, feral cats who were part of the colony that lived behind my townhome. Brothers or cousins, one was all black, the other a pale gray tiger that Karen and I had watched play as kittens, watched grow over the previous year. We had watched with disapproval when my neighbor started feeding them, first once a week then once a day. Watched with pity when she stopped, saying, now there were too many. And then with horror when we saw the trap.

Not so much saw it as heard the angry and confused cries of cats testing a cage on my neighbor's porch. When I peered through the screen, I saw the long, metal trap, the two brothers pacing restively within. Every instinct told me to test the screen door and, if it was open, release them. I decided to pursue their freedom through a more legal means that didn't involve the words "breaking" and "entering." Stenciled across the trap in black, blocked letters was "Pinellas County Animal Control." At least I knew where to start.

The next day Karen and I drove to their facility, a series of cinderblock buildings that reminded me of a bunker complex in the somewhat rural center of the county. I thought it would be easy, just claim them, pay the fine and set them free. But the women at the front desk had no record of two cats being picked up from our neighborhood in a trap. We were welcome to look around.

We scanned the adoption center, the neat and clean, brightly painted public area which housed all the kittens and gentle adults. A quick search confirmed that neither of our two was that tame or desirable. So we were escorted behind the counter through the double steel doors with chipped, surplus tan paint into the unfinished working areas of the facility. Looking back, they should have placed a sign above the entry like Dante: "Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate."

The strays, normally solitary creatures, were packed eighty or more to each of the five enclosed pens, climbing the chainlink, clawing and biting the metal strands, searching for any escape before a needle and the incinerator transformed their lives to smoke and ash, and the cage was refilled with their brethren. "Only 94 today," our guide mentioned offhandedly.

Karen spotted the black through the perpetually shifting bodies, crouching near the back of the enclosure marked "Tuesday," the day he would be destroyed if it rolled around again. To prevent that I claimed him as I wished that I could claim them all. His brother was nowhere in sight. So we were led deeper into the labyrinth, through a another set of doors into another ring of feline hell.

Stacks of individual cages, each just large enough for its occupant to stretch whiskers to tail, formed chest-high corridors redolent with urine and fear. Some individuals were labeled with a warning, like "Bites." Most only bore a five-digit number stenciled across the card with the information vital to their destruction, barely readable in the dim, flickering fluorescent light. Some growled or hissed, or swatted at a passing sleeve. Most curled up as far as they could from the barking din nearby, feigning sleep. After wandering corridor after corridor, we finally found the gray tiger with a card marked "Aggressive," head on paws, seemingly resigned to his fate.

Our two lost souls reclaimed, we were guided to a worn exam room with concrete floors and metal tables that smelled of disinfectant where they would receive their shots from the county vet. The vet techs asked with concern if I was certain I wanted to adopt them after seeing how wild they were, giving me dubious looks when I said that I did. They insisted that I hold the black for his shots, saying that if I didn't they wouldn't let me take him, thinking I would come to my senses and back away. I didn't.

The black received his vaccinations with great reluctance and some struggle resulting in a scratch or two. Perhaps it would be easy after all. When the tiger's turn came, he earned the label from his card. First, the techs had to use the loop around his neck just to get him out of the cage. When they did, he fought and slashed like the wild cat that he was. Skin was broken and bled. Scars began to form. Unsatisfied with a few scrapes, his teeth found purchase on a finger and sank in deep. I howled which scared him enough to let go and retreat into a corner where the techs looped his neck again before stuffing him back into the cage.

That encounter earned them both a mandatory twelve days in quarantine for breaking skin, with a trip to the emergency room for a tetanus shot with a two-week course of powerful antibiotics for me while I waited to see if they came up rabid. I knew it was unlikely. At that time, there hadn't been a case of rabies in the county for over 20 years.

The techs asked if I was still certain that I wanted them, whether I was going to come back for them, thinking as they watched me cradle my hand in my handkerchief that I wouldn't. I left them no doubt that I would. Satisfied that I would follow through with my lie taking them into my home, the techs softened, saying they would be ready when I returned, shots and all.

The nearly two weeks in isolation took any remaining fight out of them. The quarantine area left both of them with a cough, the black's worse than the gray's. After paying the $138 in fines and fees, and ushering them into the carrier I had brought, I finally took them home. Once there, I placed them on the porch to make sure they were ok before I released them. The gray tiger seemed mostly healthy, interested in the food I gave him, if as cautious of me as I was of him. My finger still throbbed. The black only lay in the carrier, wheezing and sleeping. There was no way I could let him go just yet.

After the gray tiger ate his fill, I opened the screen door to the outside. He approached it cautiously, step by step, conflicted by seeing me in the path of his freedom. Then he started into a dead run for the door from several feet away, swerving around me. He disappeared quickly into the palmetto stands around the oaks behind the complex.

The black I tended overnight. I opened one of my remaining antibiotics and mixed half into his food. I knew from the cats I owned that the dose was close to what he would have gotten in a day from a vet. He ate hungrily then slept. I fed him again the next morning with a second dose mixed in. Again, he wolfed it all down. When I came home from work that evening, I prepared a dish one final time with a final dose of antibiotics, hoping that it would be enough. He had improved significantly, his breathing was clear, and now he was restless. I opened his cage on the porch and set the food beside the screen door before retreating back inside. He ate ravenously as I watched through the kitchen window, bolting back into the carrier as soon as he heard me at the door.

I opened the screen door to the porch, then sat in the chair across from it and waited, very still. After several minutes, he slowly emerged from the carrier he now thought of as his territory, a retreat he could defend. With a careful eye on me, he crept toward the open door. At the threshold he sniffed the air and relaxed a bit, seeming to recognize the scents of home. Then he looked at me as though asking for permission. I nodded slowly though I knew he wouldn't understand the gesture. He crept outside a foot, then two. He sniffed the grass, then tested the scents on the air. I figured he would disappear quickly at this point, just like this brother had.

Instead, what he did stays with me to this day, set clearly in my mind. He turned around and came back onto the porch through the open door. He approached me cautiously, watching for any sudden motion. I sat frozen, knowing if I moved he would be gone. Once beside me, he rubbed against my leg hard enough for me to feel through my jeans, once, then twice, and slowly but more assuredly headed back out the door. Outside again, he looked me in the eye a last time over one shoulder, then walked toward the palmettos, unthreatened, vanishing between their fronds without a sound.

I never saw either of the brothers again, as I hoped I wouldn't. The techs had warned me that if they were rounded up a second time, as repeat offenders, the county would not let me save them from the needle's kiss. With no one feeding it, the colony disbanded but didn't quite dissolve completely. That winter on the eve of a Christmas freeze, Karen adopted one of their sons, or brothers, or cousins, another gray tiger, young enough to adapt to humans. The years he lived with us were like touching a piece of the wild. He was willful and independent.

A year later when the brothers' license renewals came, I listed them as "no longer owned." As if I ever had or could own them. As a final act, I recorded the names I had given them on the forms, to show, if nothing else, that they were more than numbers to me. For a year, they and their siblings had greeted me each morning or evening when I returned home from work, depending on the shift. Their mother had allowed Karen and I to watch them from the porch without much concern, until she drove them off to fend for themselves one day. Even then, they remained close to where they had grown up, sharing our backyard as their home. 16017: Dark Sky; 15985: Silver Moon. I hope they lived their remaining days as they were born, wild and free.

On days that I wonder what footprints I leave upon the sands of this world before time and tide wash them away, I remember that clear, cool Florida afternoon in spring when a creature who had no reason to trust me re-entered an enclosure that could have been another trap just to say thank you and goodbye.

That memory is worth the scars, faded now but still visible on my finger, sometimes throbbing though not often. It reminds me to give thanks for life and each opportunity I am given to survive, no matter how little I may understand the moments as they pass me by. Perhaps the need is instinctive.


© 2007 Edward P. Morgan III

Monday, December 10, 2007

Journeys over Water


We travel from our troubles toward a place of greater safety, a sanctuary if only for a day. Three times we cross the water at midday, three times we return at twilight. Six passages that echo like a spell of initiation gaining power as its mantra is repeated. Six shining swords of motion we now carry that resonate with magic each time we climb the stone hill arching above the bay.

A sparkling road across a deep blue field intersects our path, leading directly toward the sun. Before us, clouds trailing mist lighten the azure of the sky to aqua in their wake, though the illusion of their rain is dispelled long before the ground. Below, a spider web of lines anchors the fishing pier to the water.

Rafts of terns drift idly across the bay. Cormorants are stacked in a precise pecking order on the crossbars of a ranging tower. Open formations of pelicans glide just above the wave tops, their wingtips brushing the water, leaving a trail of ripples as if from a line of isolated showers. Ospreys sit sentinel atop the light poles that line the causeway like columns crowned with slowly blinking gargoyles whose heads swivel to eye us as we pass.

On the far shore, gray-bearded oaks witness our approach over an alien landscape their children will never visit while crows gossip across the sky, rumoring our arrival.

With our departure, distant clouds focus the setting sun into an orange-white blaze as they transit the horizon like distant mariners manning crystal ships that sail above the sea. Inland, a pillar of glass and steel captures the sun and is transformed into a burning beacon of divine providence or an omen of its impending wrath. The finger of flame fades as we slowly descend toward home, leaving us unscathed.

The sun now set, the turquoise mirror of the water reflects the pinks and lavender-grays of the approaching evening that marks an end to our adventures. Returning to familiar ground, we prepare to move the cycle forward into a better year ahead, the difficulty of the journey now behind us.


© 2007 Edward P. Morgan III

Monday, November 5, 2007

Drowning



The dream always begins the same. The memory surfaces with a line from a book, a scene from a movie, the splash of the shower against my face. My feet dangle above open water. The world becomes horizontal, no topography but the waves. The contours lie beyond the horizon, or yards below with the boat.

Another memory rises. Another body of water, this one with a sandy bottom pressed against my face. Me holding my breath as though my life depends on it, which it might.

Exhaling slowly, I simulate drowning in this personal waterboarding, only without the board or the information or the medical team standing by in case I fail. Only the water and her weight over locked elbows pressing against my neck that leaves me no leverage but deceit. When I lay still, almost floating beneath her hands, her grip slackens and I am reborn, reentering the world kicking and screaming, never quite seeing it the same after the struggle, after seeing the expression on her face which reminds me that I am alive, unexpectedly.

And she wonders why I lie to her. That day it was the only way to survive. I know I should feel guilty, and often do, for both lying and surviving.

When we begin this life, we can see the bottom clearly. Gold and jewels strewn from other people's wrecks lay sparkling upon the ocean floor, waiting for us to reach out and claim them. We learn to snorkel, then to dive. Confident, we strap on our equipment and slip beneath the waves.

Immediately, unseen currents pull us. Sharks maraud us and eels snap at us from hidden holes. Coral fingers grasp at our air hoses, at our exposed skin. Jellyfish and Portuguese man-of-war threaten to entangle us in their tentacles.

When we recover, we find the sun has retreated behind the clouds. The water has turned murky, the treasure is no longer within sight. Low on air, tired and cramping, we return to the surface. Some exchange air tanks and rest to try again, learning from their experience. Others learn to embrace the sea.

Novels become short stories that shrink to essays small enough to send by e-mail, descriptions without purpose, fragments without context repeated endlessly like waves upon the sea. Echoes of a life drawn to its own reflection in the water, the words my nemesis and her curse.

In the dream there is no weight, only the perfect freedom of water embracing me like a womb, the ocean a mother willing to reclaim me if I let her. The shore is distant. Darkness nears. I only have to wait. Though before I am drawn to her breast, the hands of strangers pluck me from the water. But I continue to hold my breath until I wake on the shore, safe in my bed, the sea still echoing in my ears.



© 2007 Edward P. Morgan III

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Samhain 2007


Tonight, the summer ends and the dark half of the year begins. It is a time to reap the final harvest, a time to cull the herd. A time to stock our larders and cellars against the snowy moons ahead.

Long ago we would all light our hearths from the bonfire that blazed on the village green to strengthen our ties to one another. From that point forward, we were all one in warmth and light for the remainder of the year. We would all see each other through the lean months of winter, sharing what we had to offer in ritual feasts meant to hold back the night. Today we hide these rituals behind closed doors and tightly shuttered windows. Tonight, hidden from the prying eyes of judgment, we purify ourselves in fire and prepare to receive our dead.

We feast our dead to honor them, to celebrate them, to comfort them. We want them to know that we remember them and that we still care. We want them to be happy when they visit, not restless or annoyed, not bound to a life they have transitioned beyond. Though we rarely admit it, we still talk to them in quiet or desperate moments. We look to them for guidance as we hope others might look to us even after we fade from the light of this world into the light of another. Our dead are our anchors to the past, stabilizing us in this life.

Centuries ago, invaders from the far side of the dyke christened our spirits into saints with angled names and converted our dead into demons beneath their saxsam knives. They coveted our holy days, coveted our three-faced gods, cleaving them from us, cleaving them to their own. Substituting their beliefs for ours by dominion and sleight of hand as though such a trade was an equitable exchange in the agora of ideas.

Today, even the hallowed substitute they provided has become a parody, a harlequin comedy, a farce played out by a wandering troop of motley fools and children. The communal bonfire has dwindled to a votive tended by crones in black just as maternal aunts tend the markers of our family. In the fading light, the dead become no more feared than children playing dress-up, no more respected than their parents playing make-believe. But do we always know the face behind the mask we bribe with sweets? Perhaps a few of our dead, reduced to beggary and thieving, return tonight to reclaim their portion for the year.

We abandoned the old ways face down in the bog, garroted like criminals before a feast day. The skulls of tradition are piled upon the roots of ancient oaks which have grown heavy and thick from blood yet remain hungry. But the lords of the forest are also patient. Silently lifting their limbs to their arboreal gods, they pray we might return before they too are hewn to feed the furnaces that warm our homes and distance our lives from theirs. Or feed the pyres that reduce our dead to the ashes we sow like seeds on the wind rather than tend among the spirits of their kindred.

Today, too many of us fear belief more than the restless spirits of our ancestors. Unanchored, we allow the living to pull us headlong in whatever direction they desire, thinking that is our future, while our path wanders aimlessly because our dead are dead to us.


© 2007 Edward P. Morgan III

Thursday, October 25, 2007

The Monkey Howls


Deep within the jungle the monkey howls, unsure how it became trapped within a carpeted cage of concrete and gypsum. It awakens matted and alone, bereft of the soothing ritual of mutual grooming, uncertain what became of its troop, its tribe, its family, unable to comprehend the rules that regulate its primal needs.

It screams its frustration to the darkness. No one listens.

Each day we beat the monkey down, relegating its desires to the cold-blooded landscape between sentience and survival. It dwells in the reptilian depths, only surfacing with frustration and anger at the Other, the one who does not belong, the one encroaching on its territory, its mate, its life, its existence. The one threatening the first of its tree, the women of its troop, the children of its line. Then it growls and howls and shakes the bars of our frontal lobes.

We camouflage our hairy hides beneath a cloak of civilization whose thin leather cracks and peels as those around us abandon the conventions upon which we thought we had all agreed. Others no longer turn their faces away but reclaim eye for blind eye confident the magic of their shamans will grant them second sight. Fear sends us huddling to one another, terrified that the shadow stalking the night is a hungry leopard rather than a tame and playful housecat.

Each morning the monkey raises its voice with the dawn, chattering its protests, its anger, its discontent. That cathartic cry rises to a warning wail of loneliness to the wilderness we fear may claim our souls again.


© 2007 Edward P. Morgan III

Shards


I gaze out the window straining to capture the scene in sketches. Each sentence becomes a contour, each phrase a dark smudge of charcoal against the page. Colored pencils highlight the flame of dawn reflected beneath the clouds, or the golden aura radiating from the grass.

Do those short, sharp stokes capture the landscape before me, or do I need to spend more time shading with a flat blade of words?

Some days practice brings a steadier hand hour by hour. Today, words clog my thinking, dripping with an incessant tick, tick, tick rather than opening my mind to breathe.

As I struggle to describe a flower that makes my eyes ache, a veil of clouds thickens like the strands of mold binding the dead leaves in the garden, fading the sky a uniform white tinged with the dingy gray of old sheets drawn across its window like cheap curtains. Vivid colors dull like the ungroomed fur of an aging cat drooping across old bones.

A southern wind tinged with moisture augurs the transition from dry to humid, from cool to jungle hot. The breeze murmurs as it sways a pine, rubbing its trunk across guy wires like a rosined bow set to the untuned strings of a creaky standup bass. It becomes difficult to distinguish between distant, imaginary voices and the sounds the wind creates.

The morning slips by in slow agitation, my heart pounding against the coming change. Finally, my concentration shatters. Fragments of thoughts tumble one against the other, pulled by the same inescapable force. Each catches my attention for instant as it flashes a reflection before shading itself from the light as it spirals downward.

Routine transforms into a quest to the clear the glass daggers from my mind. A translucent film of blood stains each reflection as I grasp at it. My fingers slip and instinctively clutch tighter until the pain slices deeper and they reluctantly release the sliver which shatters further as I let it go.

Thoughts come in flashes between the ringing blows of a migraine driven through my right eye like a ten-penny nail. The shards will lay where they rest until I sweep them aside in a day or two, brooding at the lack of fractured faces staring back at me, the distorted semblance of an audience responding to my pain.


© 2007 Edward P. Morgan III

Learning to Fly


The fog has lifted this morning. After two nights of restless sleep with intense dreams, last night passed heavily with little memory. Unlike days where I can see the fog, the past two concealed themselves behind an invisible veil, washing out the colors of the world, distancing them, detaching them from my eyes in a way that made me anxious and annoyed without quite knowing why.

The morning light rends the fabric, piercing deep into my eyes. The day is flinty and bright as the honed edge of a Damascus steel blade. Its sharpness brings clarity, freedom to think, to explore, to chronicle my journey more legibly than the hastily rendered map sketched the days before. A day I wish would go on forever, a day I feel light and able to fly.

Doubts nibble at my wings, feasting on this newfound energy, weighing me down. Bursts of light drive them away only to see them creep forward again as it fades. These small creatures will eventually recloud my mind as either the weather or my mood turns.

But not today.

Today, they remain on the periphery, hiding. Today, I can focus to the horizon. Even the smallest details draw my attention, making me wonder how I could have overlooked them before. The color, scent and texture of scenes are rendered with the smallest and lightest strokes. Pieces of the puzzle find their mates at a glance instead of through painstaking repetition. The voices of characters babble in my head like a stream tumbling down a mountain after rain. Threads of ideas untangle, slipping from one another as smoothly as spun silk instead clinging in their normal scratchy wool.

I want to share days like today even though the shadows whisper that what I write will likely become garbled when filtered through the fog of someone else's morning. But that doesn't matter. I never know what scrawled line might bring color to someone else's world like a rainbow after tears.

Thoughts resonate within my mind, filling it against the days when it feels hollow and empty. Days when it echoes like a canyon, when one phrase or line might reflect back from a day like today. Those words are the voice that guides me through the fog. They call me to the edge and one step beyond to savor the wind until the ground jolts me awake to ponder another pale dawn outside my bedroom window wondering if it foreshadows another day in the sky.

Days like today the fall is worth the pain of impact knowing that one day I might learn to fly.


© 2007 Edward P. Morgan III

Faeries


Thoughts flit in and out of my subconscious like faeries on the wing. Some are shy and flirtatious, concealing themselves in the thinnest gossamer spun from spider's silk. Others are more playful, sparkling as their jewelry flashes in the sun.

Gregarious by nature, one attracts another until dozens vie for my attention. Some days, they draw up sides to wage an impromptu battle of conflicting ideas, delighting as their miniature swords prick my imagination. Other days they go into seclusion, refusing to reveal themselves for some perceived slight. Then without warning, they streak across the periphery, making me hunt them in an elaborate game of hide and seek. Most days, they converse in tones just beyond my comprehension like the babble of distant water imitating voices.

They love to try on different colors just to see which camouflages them the best. They cloak themselves in the deep blues of a winter sky and in the hazy whites of summer, in the yellow-greens of spring returned and in the myriad flames of fall. They peek out from the gray and dun fur of a chattering squirrel, from the iridescent indigo feathers of a watchful crow, from the charcoal and pearl clouds of approaching rain. Anything that catches my eye or sparks my imagination.

They are drawn to the quiet of the morning and the solitude of night. Deep stillness makes them curious. As I doze in the autumn sun, they light upon my face, tickling my nose with the slippered cat's whiskers of their feet, fanning my cheeks like newly emerged butterflies drying their wings. Through half-shaded eyes I can sometimes see them flitting back and forth like hummingbirds scenting nectar. Should my eyes burst open, they startle and take flight.

On good days the faeries dance before my eyes like dappled sunlight through the maples, whispering gold into my ears in tiny chimes of laughter on the wind. On the best days, I dance with them. I find the motion soothes me.



© 2007 Edward P. Morgan III

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Recollection




Two things happened last night that haven't happened in well over 20 years, one driving the other though not intentionally.

First, I received a phone call from someone I hadn't heard from since just after high school. Catching up with that voice from my past caused us to leave later than we would have otherwise to run some errands. Which put at the intersection of alt 19 and 102 just in time to dodge around a car parked in the right-hand traffic lane. Which gave us just enough time to see but not quite avoid the detritus in the center lane strewn around a work-belt and a five gallon pickle bucket. Which ended our trip prematurely with a thump, thump, thump coming from the right rear tire that most of us are familiar with.

Minutes later as I was struggling to free the pneumatically tightened lug nuts with an old-school, x-shaped tire iron ,which Karen fortunately had in her car, and she was relating our information to AAA on the cell in case I didn't succeed, I flashed back to an older encounter, a different night on a different road nearly 35 years ago.

I was eight and my parents had decided to take my sister and I on the classic American family vacation, a driving and camping tour of the great, natural places out west, the Grand Canyon, the Painted Desert, the Petrified Forest, Carlsbad Caverns, the works. I think it was supposed to save their marriage, but only ended up prolonging it another couple years. But they didn't know that at the time so they packed us into a green, four door Galaxy 500, strapped a Starcraft pop-up camper to the hitch and headed for the interstate. This would be in the early 70's. There were no cell phones and roadside assistance wasn't quite as common as it is today.

It is late afternoon and we are on an interstate littered with blown out truck tires somewhere in Texas when we hear a POW like a gunshot followed by a rhythmic thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump behind us. My father throws on the flashers, pulls onto the narrow shoulder and gets out to look. Traffic whizzes by at alarming speed and closeness. My mother, afraid someone will hit the car while it is stopped, has my sister and I get out through the passenger side doors and has us sit in the grass as far from the car as we could get, just on the other side of grass-filled ditch against a barbed-wire fence. My father reports that the rear tire on the Galaxy is shredded completely, and the shrapnel has taken one of the camper tires with it.

The camper spare is hung below the camper, a pain, but not too difficult to reach. The spare for the car is in the bottom of the trunk, which is packed with all the things a then modern family with two children needed to survive for three weeks on the road. The Galaxy is a throw-back to the 60's, so you could easily fit five bodies in the trunk should you ever have the need. Had our luggage been dead mobsters, we would have squeezed in a sixth.

While my mother distracts my sister and I with an impromptu dinner from whatever she can scrape up quickly from the car and camper, my father proceeds to empty the trunk and pile our belongings on the side of the road. The now intermittent traffic is still cruising by, whipping the corners of his clothing in each draft. He finally excavates to the bottom of the trunk and pulls the jack and the tire iron free. Again, this is the 70's so the jack is the old-style ratchet you no longer see. He has a choice of tire irons, the curved classic that came with the car and doubles as the jack handle that you now see only in the hands of angry bikers in old movies, and an x-shaped iron that fits three different sized lugs and has a pry. Both are longer and capable of generating more torque than anything you find in a car today.

My father starts with the car, thinking if worse comes to worst, we can drive somewhere safer to continue with the camper. He doesn't have to pull the hubcap as the concussion of the failure sent it speeding past the car somewhere farther up the shoulder. He sets the first iron around the lug nut, pulls, then repositions and pushes. It won't budge. Not even a hint. Not even a tiny creak of metal on metal that tells you that maybe, just maybe you'll be able to break it free if you work hard enough. He switches lug nuts. No go. He switches tire irons. Nothing. We can see he is getting frustrated, but there is nothing any of us can do to help. It's him versus the tire.

He struggles and strains. He curses and mumbles. Finally he switches to the camper tire, changing it without too much trouble just to get a sense of accomplishment. With a victory behind him, he approaches the car again. He studies it, checking it from every angle, measuring, calculating. He tries again with a fresh perspective. Budged. He tries stepping on the tire iron, using weight instead of strength to generate the torque. Nothing.

With a deep sigh of frustration, he calls my mother away from us for a conference. They huddle, talking, arguing. All we see is him pointing up the road and her shaking her head. We only hear a few words from him, "walk," "gas station," "tow truck." My mother crosses her arms crossed, "two kids," "dark," "alone." You have to remember, my parents are Bostonians transplanted into Florida. To them, remote Texas is the Deep South, alien, perhaps hostile territory in the early 70's. Civil Rights is a fresh wound here, recently been imposed by Northerners just like themselves.

By now twilight has started to fall. We have been stranded well over an hour. While there was traffic, no one stopped. Now there is no more than the occasional big-rig screaming by. I am scared and I think my sister, who is older than me, is too though she does a better job of disguising it. "Sally, what do you want me to do?" my father asks my mother in exasperation. She has no answer. Now it's almost completely dark.

A pick-up truck passes us. It is beat-up, dented, chalky white and rusting. And big. Today, it would be an F-350 or better. Or maybe that's just a child's eyes making everything larger in memory. It slows, then stops, overshooting our car by 100 yards. It backs up on the shoulder until it has us blocked in. My father tenses, unsure what to expect.

A man hops down from the truck. The first thing I notice is that he is short, much shorter than my father who is over six feet. This man is more my mother's size, five foot four maybe five six, but stocky and strong. The second thing I notice is that this man is missing his right arm from just below the elbow. He is older than my father, perhaps by ten or fifteen years.

"Looks like you folks could use some help."

"Yeah," my father says nodding, obviously dubious of what kind of help this one-armed man can render other than perhaps a ride. "We blew out a tire, and the lug nuts are seized." My mother holds us back protectively.

"Damned mechanics always over-tighten them with those pneumatic wrenches." The man hops back into his truck. "Give me a second to turn this thing around."

He pulls a three point turn using the shoulder and one lane of the highway, then stops nose to nose with the Galaxy. his headlights shine into the windshield of our car. He leave the engine running. He gets out again and heads for the hood of his pick-up, lifting it with his only hand, sliding the pole into the slot of the hood with the crook of his other elbow to brace it open. He does this with the practiced ease of a man quite used to his "disability." He reaches into the cavernous hood of the truck and comes out with a shop light, the kind with a reflective metal cowling, which he hands to my father.

"Go ahead and get some light on that tire," he says as he uncoils the cord, feeding it to my father.

As my father positions the light on the ground near the tire, the man roots around under the hood again, trying to unbolt something with his one hand. When he finally frees it, he emerges with something that looks like a giant drill.

"Since the mechanics never listen, I had this installed." He hefts the drill. "Out here, you never know when you'll need it and no help is around. Let's see what size lug you've got."

He continues chattering at my father as he checks the lug nuts, finds the appropriate socket, installs it on the drill and wanders up to the tire. My sister and I squirm, but my mother holds us back.

"Don't worry about them," he says to her. "They'll be fine."

She lets us go, saying we can watch but to stay out of the way. We approach, openly curious and cautious as only children and animals can be.

I watch as the man squats down before each lug, holding the drill in his one hand, bracing behind it with the crook of his other elbow and leaning into it. The drill bucks a bit, making the sound of an angry Bengal tiger. He drops the first nut into my father's open palm. Four more growls, four more lug nuts in my father's hand. He finishes in seconds what my father couldn't accomplish in more than an hour. Simple, easy, efficient.

But the man isn't done. He insists on helping my father wrestle the spare out of the trunk. My father jacks up the car, then the two of them wrangle off the shredded tire, then wrangle on the spare. They tighten the lug nuts with the tire iron. They pack the spare back into the trunk. My mother stuffs our belongings around the spare and into the back seat, knowing the spare will have to be replaced.

My father thanks the man profusely. The man simply responds that he knows what it's like.

"Let me follow you up to the next exit. There's a garage up there that can probably replace that tire. You don't want to be stuck out here after dark." He stows his tools, pivots his truck to face the right direction again and waves my father around. He follows us to the next exit and makes sure the garage attendant doesn't completely rip us off for a new tire before he heads back on his way.

My father still tells the story in his own semi-sardonic style of how the only one-armed man in all of east Texas with a pneumatic drill installed in his truck helped him change a tire one night.

The thing is, this man, if he's still alive, probably doesn't remember me, my father or our family. He just seemed to do what came naturally to him, helping people in need, probably not much special to him. But I remember him precisely because what he did for us was so much more important in our eyes than it was in his.

In my experience, it is often the things we think least about that have the most impact on others. Sometimes there is an odd causality to the world, a phone call that leads to a flat tire that leads to a memory that leads to a message delivered on the wings of a butterfly. What wind those wings stir, I cannot know. A positive one, I hope.

As a final note, I want to thank Sean for posting a similar experience with a radically different outcome on his blog. His got me thinking about how very fortunate my family was to have met that man on that night so many years ago. I wish he had been able to walk away with as positive a recollection.


© 2007 Edward P. Morgan III

Recollection (epilogue)


I sent this message prematurely, before the ink had fully dried on this incident.

As I was writing the message, I wasn't quite sure how to end it. Instead of sending the message on the wings of a butterfly, I almost said used the wings of a dragonfly, perhaps because they have long been a favorite for more than just their name. I love the flashing color of their opalescent bodies, the web-like transparency of their wings, the way they hover and flit from place to place with startling quickness and accuracy, the way they dry their wings perched on cattails and reeds within moments of emerging.

I should have listened to my instinct.

When we picked up Karen's car at the garage where we bought a new set of tires this afternoon, I spotted a dragonfly, bright green and iridescent, trapped in the plate glass window of the waiting area. Her instincts were at war with a reality she could not perceive. She was drawn to the light but had no way to comprehend the window held her captive. So she buzzed and bashed herself against the glass, hoping like the clinically insane that the same action repeated might yet yield a new outcome, not far from me some days. While she could see her destination clearly, she didn't have the ability to leave.

While Karen settled the bill, I coaxed her onto a finger. Each time I moved toward the door, she saw the sky move away from her and flew back toward the window. I couldn't give up on her. I finally thought to shade her eyes with my other hand so she couldn't see the motion as I carried her to the door. Her eyes cushioned against the reality she could no longer understand, she became content to rest on my finger, perched feather-light on her six dark legs within the cocoon of my palm. Just outside, I lifted my hand to reveal the sky. The last I saw her she was flying over the pavilion covering the gas pumps, a streak of green against the piercing blue of the afternoon sky.

I knew then the circle was complete, that this small creature was the final thread in a tapestry of causality spun some twenty four hours before. Not the wings of a butterfly raising a storm, rather a personal storm raising the wings of a dragonfly.

Driving home I knew it was worth the price of a new set of tires that we would have bought later anyway to see her fly free for her remaining hours or days, worth any inconvenience to set her back on the path of whatever her remaining destiny might be.


© 2007 Edward P. Morgan III

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Memorial



He lies sleeping in stone, reclining on a pedestal devotedly polished by a thousand hands for his eternal rest. Resplendent in the armor that marked him as fearless on the battlefield, he is coifed and clad mail. The rings are bent but unbroken, his flesh bruised but whole just as it was before he entered his final battle. His hair, clean and even, peeks out in the wild twists and curls that marked his fierceness, his courage, his passion.

A sword has been worked into his hands, naked steel clutched to his chest like a talisman or a shield. Its tip rests near his boots as it had after so many victories when he dropped to one knee thanking his gods for the strength to overcome his adversaries, thanking his gods for their blessings and protection. His is pose of peace after conflict, marking him as a hero fallen in battle.

Three more swords adorn the pedestal, one building upon the next. At the top, the sword of his father marks the house and family whose honor he maintained. In the middle, the sword of his king and country, the realm he swore to defend from invasion and assault. At the bottom, the sword of his faith that formed the foundation of his every deed and action.

Passing strangers who view this monument see the end of an age. Some mourn a lost prince, the last Defender of their Faith, the final Protector of their Realm. Others believe he will rise reborn, returning in their time of need to shield their nation once again from enemies within and without. A few see this hero reborn each day in the eyes of the children whose parents worship him as a savior.

The handful who gather closer begin to perceive the flaws eating at the monument's structure and hierarchy. The swords set into pedestal are tarnished and discolored. To him family was more an obligation than real flesh and blood, his daily interactions sacrificed to duty. As Lord Protector, he stained his sword more with the blood of his countrymen than that of any outsiders or invaders. As Defender of the Faith, he aggressively wielded that sword to enforce the tenets of a religion based on peace. Even the sword poised upon his chest remains flecked with the blood of battle, no one having thought to clean it before committing him to stone. Unable to bear the weight above, the monument's foundation crumbles along its edges as gilt slowly flakes to rust.

Through the rain and ice and heat of each passing season, the memorial slowly cracks and splits open as if struggling to contain its secrets. Each year, his admirers patch the polished stone with concrete, hoping to conceal the nature of the man enshrined within.


© 2007 Edward P. Morgan III

Friday, September 21, 2007

Fall Equinox 2007, two days early


There is a bright white quality to the light this morning. The sun sparkles as it filters through the leaves of the oaks to the east. The morning light is even, the colors in the garden pure. Lavender petunias, yellow alamandas, red impatiens. The fuchsia of the final myrtle cluster. The white of a lone rose. All untainted by the pink or orange or gold of dawn.

The dark clouds have lifted, the storm has drifted north. Last night's rain has washed summer from the air, at least for one morning. When she returns, her heat will be half-hearted as though she knows her days are numbered and she can no longer bring herself to give her best. We enter the time between, the twilight of summer before we throw our windows open to embrace the fall into night. The dying embers of a once raging fire, warm, no longer blazing.

The morning is full of motion. The wind sways the branches of the myrtle as though they are bobbing for apples in the bird bath, or seeking to shed the clusters of berries that replaced their flowers overnight. Pine needles, brown and sere, spiral down to carpet the lawn. The chimes on the porch ring a five note harmony. The air is dry, the sound carries like carillon.

A year ago, I sat on the porch trying to capture the sounds and scents of another equinox two days early. My desire was to write, to keep writing. To mark the cardinal points of the coming year, to celebrate their midpoints with words. Eight messages were my goal. At the winter solstice I got caught up in someone else's adventure and poured my energy into that instead. The remaining five still flew from my mind, sometimes on battered wings, sometimes in the dead of night, sometimes barely taking flight. But they held the air if not always soaring.

That small accomplishment inspired other messages, other musings. They are my experiences, they are my expression. They are my visions, sometimes confessions. They are exercises to keep my mind from dwelling on what might have been, what might yet go wrong. They are the ones I feel are good enough to share. Some days, they are the only thing I write. They are my commitment, one taken a year ago, in similar light, in similar weather.

So this morning finds me savoring that pure white light as it casts clouds of flame upon my desk after passing through the red and orange glass panel in my window aptly titled Serenity. I hope the coming equinox finds you as peaceful and content.


© 2007 Edward P. Morgan III

Thursday, September 20, 2007

The Voice


Some days people ask where I get my ideas, how I transcribe what I see into words hopefully filled with beauty or with meaning. Like most writers, I rely upon a muse, an invisible ingenue whose voice whispers seductively within my ear. Some writers describe their muse as shy or flirtatious or capricious. Mine is bi-polar.

On the worst of days she emerges with stress, announcing herself by pounding inside my head as if struggling to be free. She is forced to share the cloister of her confinement with a pair of cellmates, harpies to her faerie. They screech and shriek and wail incessantly, drowning out her dulcet tones with their shrill complaints. Like an evil stepmother and stepsister, they find fault with everything she does. They ridicule her for her differences, her thoughts, her imperfections, her ephemeral wings, the color of her hair. They bite and claw at her, buffeting her with their raven wings. Too often she gives credit their expectations of perfection and the criticisms which scar her. She succumbs to the anger, the frustration, the apathy, the angst, not realizing all these wounds are self-inflicted.

On days when her dissonant rivals fall into a catatonic slumber after one of their exhaustive tauntings, she is transformed into all the things a muse should be. She rises like an island from my subconscious, an ancient goddess, a nymph, a dryad. A golden green willow whose supple, slender branches droop just above the glass ceiling of our world. As her leaves brush the invisible barrier that separates us, the surface ripples with distortions. Sparkling pinpoints flow outward and diffuse. Her trunk is the center of creation. Few scale the heights into which her feet are nestled or climb up onto her damp knees. Or ascend even farther into her graceful, sheltering limbs. Most only see evidence of her existence in the distortions of the night sky they are at a loss to explain. Few know she is firmly rooted in our world, drawing sustenance from our existence, feeding upon our day to day, transforming the energy of our lives into fuel for the leaves which drip and flick the sky with the magic of inspiration deep within the night, sending the stars rippling outward. In the cycle of her life inspiration begets creation which feeds action breeding further inspiration, an alternating pattern like the light and narrow rings within her tree.

She tickles my thoughts as the celestial breeze stirs her leaves across the dark surface of my mind. Her slender fingers play upon the water as if trailing behind a rowboat drifting with the current on a lazy, summer's day. She doses, distracted by the hypnotic patterns she creates while I rush to capture them with only quickly jotted notes and an imperfect, fading memory.

Until the harpies roosting in her crown awake in their eyries from discontented dreams, screaming.


© 2007 Edward P. Morgan III

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Atlanta: Here Be Dragons



Going to Dragon Con each year is a lot like entering the blank territory on a map marked only with "Here be Dragons." In many ways each visit is uncharted and unchartable from year to year. The landscape constantly shifts and changes around us. One year, it may be the celebrity panels that catch our attention, the next there may be no one we want to see, but the concerts might be great. Or the writing and science panels might catch our eye. Or the gaming. Or just watching Dragon Con TV (yes, they broadcast 24 hours a day on the hotel convention channels for the entire convention).

Much of what we did last year had changed or was gone. Last year we really enjoyed the concerts and Dragon Con TV. This year they weren't as good. DCTV had less variety than last year, with a number of the funnier parodies missing (the best last year was one called T.R.O.O.P.S., a take-off on the TV show COPS from the perspective of the imperial storm troopers from Star Wars). Where last year there was a bumper crop of darkwave electronica concerts, this year's music was almost entirely heavy metal. Not our thing. The one exception was a violinist who was down among the band tables, each blaring a different dissonant song. As we neared the table, we could hear he was playing the most ethereal strains of music. His was the only CD from a new group we picked up. Even the drum circle was different this year. Where last year I would have described the dancers as the synchronous swaying of massed femininity, this year I would have to go with tribalism without tradition. Anarchy ruled the dance floor to the point where most of the professional belly dancers left in disgust because people refused to give them room and were disrupting their routines. But the drummers were still good. One guy with a pickle bucket and borrowed drumsticks was holding his own with the professionals. And Karen got her dance with her friend as they both promised last year. I was quite happy to see her out on the floor enjoying herself. She had been looking forward to that.

Where else can we go where we can listen to talks given by a PhD in socio-psychologist on the nature of identity, reality as a negotiated space and community experience as it relates to fantasy games. Or listen to a PhD linguist discuss research on role-playing as an educational tool. Or hear an MBA discuss how the business model of the gaming industry differs from other industries. Or have PhD's in Physics, Astronomy and Planetology from NASA, JPL and Fermi Labs, some of whom happen to be the science advisors for several TV shows, share current and Nobel prize winning research as well as the latest proposals for exploration, or just give a primer on the Big Bang theory or antimatter. Or get into a lively discussion with a PhD in Anthropology (who teaches remotely at St. Petersburg College just up the road) on the nature of the apocalypse in various religions. Or sit with Emergency Planners and First Responders getting practical advice on how to survive a disaster. Or have the winner of multiple Hugos and Nebulas (the Pulitzer Prizes of science fiction) give advice on the best way to begin a novel. Or have a panel with Political Scientists turned writers lay out the 4 primary philosophies of American foreign policy or 4 reasonable predictions for the direction of China over the next 75 years. Or have a graduate of the New York School of the Arts teach us how to draw. Or dance until 2 am listening to live music and hanging out with Goths or belly dancers (two different events). Or have the lead singer from one of our favorite bands with a single on the Billboard charts devote 5 minutes to talking to us. All while surrounded by tens of thousands of people who share many of our same interests whether in gaming or writing or television or astronomy, all of whom are unashamed and unabashed (even a few who are uninhibited). Those are some of the reasons we go each year.

Feel free to say what you are thinking. Geek, geek, geek.

We ended up going to 15 panels from tracks on writing to science fiction literature to the apocalypse to science and space. I think that is a record for us. Of those, I would say 90% were good, with 5-6 being exceptionally entertaining or thought provoking. I won't bore you with the details of all of them, but a there were a few standout moments from the weekend that I'd like to share.

One of the more exciting panels for me was a discussion on antimatter given by a PhD from Fermi Labs (where they have a particle accelerator). This was on Friday right after a talk on Weird States of Matter that had me flashing back to my two undergraduate courses on Optics. In a way this talk built on the previous talk though it wasn't meant to be. Karen had given up between talks and headed back to the room as she was really tired, but I opted to stay. The guy giving the talk worked for the lab as well as having started his own company in hopes of exploiting the practical uses of antimatter. One potential use is as a cancer therapy. Yes, you read that right, cancer therapy. Now most people think that antimatter annihilates matter as soon as the two come in contact. Not so. Antimatter accelerated at a high speed will penetrate some depth into matter before it slows enough and the two annihilate each other. The rate of this penetration is quantifiable and predictable. That means that one day in the near future instead of conventional proton radiation or "gamma knife" treatment we may see antimatter as a primary treatment for inoperable tumors. As a bit of background, current radiation therapy relies on "fractions," multiple exposures to radiation from multiple angles over the course of weeks. In conventional radiation therapy, in order to kill a cancer cell you have to hit its nucleus with a proton while the cell is dividing (mitosis). They divide treatment into "fractions" to account for the statistical probabilities of when this might happen. With antimatter, the fractions are unnecessary. There is a 100% kill ratio if the anti-proton hits the target. As an added perk, because the matter-antimatter annihilation gives off some short-lived exotic particles, a before and after PET scan would reveal with complete certainty whether the treatment was successful. And instead of the perhaps 8000 rads received during a conventional treatment, you might receive 1 rad. Treatment for a medium sized tumor could take 2-3 minutes using 1 billion anti-protons, which cost roughly $60 to produce at Fermi Lab (that's total, not each). 1% of the output of Fermi lab could treat 500 cancer patients a year. There are a number of engineering challenges to overcome, but it is very likely I will see this in my lifetime. What you may be hearing is the sound of my mind being blown.

That was Friday's highlight. Saturday's was completely different. Saturday afternoon we went to a panel on contour drawing, something both Karen and I had done (she better than I), but something we both want to get back to. As I said, the woman teaching it was a graduate of the New York School of the Arts, fairly prestigious. She was supposed to do a panel on gesture drawing that we were more interested in, but it got scheduled out from under us at the last minute (at trend this year). When Karen and I had completed the main exercise, we both started looking for other things to draw. I settled on the woman in front of me's ponytail as this weekend was all about texture for me (more on that in a moment). Karen focused on her little girl, maybe 2 or 3 sleeping on her mother's shoulder. In the few minutes before she moved, Karen had a very good contour of her face. After the panel, Karen went up to the parents to show them the drawing. They were quite pleased and impressed, so Karen offered them the sketch, which they accepted enthusiastically, but only after asking her to sign it. The father said they would put it in a little frame. He seemed quite sincere. I think it made Karen's day. She really is good.

Sunday's highlight had to be the Cruxshadows concert, the one Karen (yes, Karen) had been looking forward to for months. They are the darkwave electronica band we see each year we are able, this time being our 4th. There was quite the crowd trying to get in. They filled the hall nearly 3/4 full with SRO in the front. My estimate was maybe 1500-2000 people between the chairs and the floor, most of them between 20 and 30, decked out in their best black, gothic regalia. We were more in the blue family of colors. We headed for the back, where Karen started dancing in the aisle, completely enrapt with the music, dancing, twirling, billowing the shawl she had crocheted and gotten multiple compliments on (including a woman asking for the pattern). Anyway, there she is in the aisle, when she nearly bowled over a twenty-something guy, all in black and mascara who was trying to get by. After the apologies were issued, he just looked at her with the twinkling smile of someone enjoying another's delight, and said please, by all means keep dancing, in just a perfectly admiring way. He could tell how into it she was and completely approved but just wanted to get by. A vintage moment for me.

The final moment came on Sunday as we were trolling the band tables, hoping the violinist was still there (he wasn't) and wanting to pick up the latest Cruxshadows single they are attempting to get on the charts. Karen bought the CD, then got into line to get is signed by the lead singer. Now you have to picture us, me 40 something and balding, her with her very short hair and New England upbringing, both in jeans and button ups, both painfully normal looking amidst a crowd of 20 something Goths. The band's lead singer, stage named Rogue, is about my height, thin, with mascara applied like kohl from an Egyptian painting and hair spiked out in the back to nearly a foot, dressed all in black. For all the drama of his outfit, his music has depth and melody, his lyrics drawing heavily from mythology. There is a poetry about some of them. Each time we've seen him, he is talking to the people whose CD's he is autographing. He gives each person time, never seeming distracted, his attention focused completely on them. Anyway, Karen gets to the front of the line and I mention to him that we almost didn't get to see him this year. So Karen tells him about being diagnosed. And I tell him when she started treatment I asked her to focus on where she wanted to go when it was over as something to hold in her mind during the worst. Dragon Con and the Cruxshadows concert was what she came up with. I told him how much joy he had given me by playing the music what she was dancing to in the aisle the night before. He was really touched and spent the next five minutes talking to her, relating details of his life and how he'd almost died when he was in an accident when he was young. As he signed the CD, I could tell he was struggling for what to write. When he finished he looked up at Karen and said, I've written what I write on a lot of CD's but with you, I really mean it. Then he hugged her for a long time and whispered encouragement into her ear.

Sorry, I get a bit misty just remembering it. Rogue seemed like a genuine and decent individual for all our differences in dress and lifestyle. The encounter was powerful and meaningful.

As an added distraction, this year we brought 2 tiny, "disposable" digital cameras that my mother had given us as a gift, between 20 and 60 pictures each. We didn't really want the hassle of keeping track of the regular digital in the crowds. I decided that since there was no way to know what I was getting for a picture (like an old instamatic), I wouldn't take anything I cared if it didn't come out. They are very sensitive to movement and vibration. So I focused on textures and layers all weekend. Most of my 20 pictures were of the hotels, the repetition of level after level of balconies and railing (47 floors internal to the Marriott) that are so hard to describe to people who haven't seen them. They came out ok, not a lot of crispness. Between Karen and I, we got some decent impressions of the hotels and why they are perfect for this convention. We can send the thumbnails with explanations to anyone who is interested.

We did bring home some booty this year. Karen outfitted herself with two nice skirts, a peasant shirt and a silver bangled anklet (for her drum circle dance). We picked up the violinist's CD and two singles by the Cruxshadows. I picked up a book on space exploration by a NASA PhD who so wanted to autograph it and shake my hand because he thought no one would buy his book. We found a tactical fantasy warfare card game that looked interesting. I have another book called Gaming as Culture: Essays in Reality, Identity and Experience in Fantasy Games that I will order online (they didn't have it on sale at the con.) We found that the manufacturer of one of our favorite games (Aftermath!) is back in business with new supplements coming out this year and next. Karen found a couple nice pair of earrings, and we picked up two cat figurines, one bronze and one jade.

We even got to spend a little time with a couple friends, which was quite nice.

Ok, that's the "short" version of this year's trip. All in all a great trip if each night was increasingly short on sleep, from 7 hours Thursday down to 5 by Sunday. It was good to get home and have Smoke waiting by the door. It took a little coaxing to get Mara out, but she, too, seemed happy we were back, as did Tina. The weekend flew by faster than any has before. Even with all we did, there were a number of panels we missed due to conflicts, cancellations or just needing a break.

We look forward to hiking back into the unmapped margins once again next year and seeing what we find. Always the adventure.


© 2007 Edward P. Morgan III

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Reflections


Driving home on Sunday evening, I saw a cloud sheet off toward the west and wondered how to capture its unique beauty in words. That is the trick to writing, putting a sight or experience into words in a way a stranger can say, I've seen or felt that. Or it made me see or feel something.

In this case, there were qualities that defied convenient description. First, there was the texture of the clouds, The tops rose like thunderheads, but the bottoms were almost melded together. Neither flat and featureless, nor mackereled or scaled as you sometimes see. More like brownie batter poured into a pan right before you pop it into the oven, mostly smooth but with lumps and ridges and rolls.

You probably wonder what is so important about the texture to the cloud bottoms. First, let me describe the tops. As I said, they were towering, backdropped one against the other. They blocked the sun, but only just, so their edges were the blinding white of Florida's summer sun. That transitioned to a silver above then to heavy, rain-laden gray below. Behind them the pastels of sunset were just beginning to color the horizon.

All pretty hum-drum so far. You could go out on a thousand evenings after a thousand Florida summer days, look to the west and see some variant of exactly what I've described. The difference came underneath. What made it stand out, what haunted me into trying to capture it in words for two days, was the color.

I'll start by saying a friend of mine used to be fascinated with lead crystals, the faceted, sometimes elongated orbs you still see. Growing up, he hung them in his window so they would refract the light into hundreds of rainbows that would splash across his bedspread. Most people have seen similar rainbows dancing across a surface in their home, either purposefully as were his, or accidentally from a drinking glass or beveled edge of a window, any glass that catches the light. When most people visualize a rainbow, they see pure colors against the blue of the sky or against some neutral color hanging in the space of their mind's eye.

My friend was a visionary. His bedspread was deep black and satin, engineered to reflect the light as well as provide a unique backdrop for the colors he wished to collect. Black changes a rainbow. You can still pick out each individual stripe that bleeds one into the other, but the colors are deepened, almost tainted. Ruby darkens to wine, orange to rust, yellow to the deepest gold. Having been exposed to that in my impressionable youth prepared me to attempt to describe what I saw.

The bottoms of the clouds were cast in shadow, the silver gray above darkening to a looming charcoal. Splashed across this as if from one broad stroke of a artist's brush was a color it took me several moments to identify. At first I wanted to say it tainted the clouds to a slate green. No perhaps an orange, or was I picking that up from the hints on the horizon. My mind flashed back and forth between the two colors until it finally settled midway between onto gold, as though a mirror were reflecting the sunlight up to the underside of the clouds. In a way, that was exactly what I was seeing. Driving west, we were approaching Boca Ciega Bay, with the intercoastal and the Gulf of Mexico beyond. Being nearly six in the evening, the sun was just low enough to be behind the clouds, lining them a brilliant white and still reflect off the bay to light the underside a muddy gold.

I can sense your impatience. You can see the physics of what I've described but still don't have the payoff. You have pieces of a description from the narrative, but nothing that resonates within your mind, nothing that will anchor the scene into your memory as it did in mine. Let me see what I can nip and tuck and stitch together.

---------------------

The western clouds were poured against unseen glass, its surface ancient, rippled and flawed. Jostling against one another, they blockade the sun and crowd the sky for room. Above, they rise as airy pastries, incandescent edges cooling to silver centers as argent rays sunburst around them at increasingly slanted angles. Below, they fade to ash and char, shadowing an unseemly secret behind a veil of gray. Beyond, the match has been set to the evening furnace that will blaze when the descending sun lights the fuel littering the horizon.

An extended grove of stately oaks ring the mirror of the bay, concealing the burnished bronze of a proud and ancient lighthouse since tumbled into the sea. The fallen hand of a broken and sleeping colossus focuses its tarnished light beneath the clouds as if opening a leaden coffer lined with gold and illuminating the covenant of rain concealed within.

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Best I can do on a nervous morning, reflecting on the process as well as the memory as I wait for the next appointment.


© 2007 Edward P. Morgan III

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Morning in Another Light


Sunlight pours through the front window from a crucible of molten copper, as dark and richly thick as tupelo honey spilling across the white linen tablecloth then oozing to the floor, staining the carpet just an instant before it's gone.

As the morning cools to the palest orange sherbet, a faint breeze dusts the walk with a lavender snow from the myrtles finally come into bloom. Above, an aura bees on golden wings flash and dance around each cluster as they delicately sample the bouquet like connoisseurs at a wine tasting.

Sunrise warms to lemon-lime. Jays and cardinals conduct a war of blue and scarlet at the feeder, each side's young fluttering their encouragement as they await the feast that surely follows their parents' victory. Beyond, a lone, red hibiscus stands sentinel against the wall of green, watching from the shadows.

© 2007 Edward P. Morgan III

Monday, August 13, 2007

Flashback

I sit down in the office this morning, half awake, no coffee in my hand, no breakfast on my table. As I gaze out the window without really focusing, a small movement between the blinds draws my eye, flicking like a dandelion seed trapped in the screen catching light then shadow in the slant of sun streaming through the window.

Awakened and intrigued, I force my eyes to focus. The furry mote resolves into a flurry legs delicately lifting warp from weft as if weaving. A tiny, translucent spider spinning a tiny, translucent web in the cells between the screen. Her legs tap and stutter like a teletype desperately ticking out a message that none will ever read. Like my wife's fingers clicking her needles as a blanket emerges from the center of a skein to warm a friend's the newest arrival.

She spins the thinnest, transparent silk like the finest fiber-optics flashing in the sun. Remains of old strands cling to the window like discarded fiberglass, giving it an illusion of age, crafting it a personality that is scratched or cracked or ready to shatter from the pressure of the light. Like a life that has been fractured and painstakingly pieced back together, nearly seamless, without ever falling from its frame. The way I feel some mornings.

Now she waits as I do, her at the center of her web for breakfast to become ensnared, me for the day's central appointment that will tangle me in web of emotions from which I have only recently broken free. Predator and prey, we contemplate each other like black and white circling each other's tail as the sun rises through the trees.

As I finish, the sun glints off my wedding ring, dispelling the flash of melancholy I know will return later in the day as I prepare to face a future woven eight months before.


© 2007 Edward P. Morgan III

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Firelight




We keep the blinds mostly drawn in the dining room at night, just high enough for the cats to sit in the front window and look out. We lower them at dusk just enough to block the streetlight on the corner and the other lights our neighbor's burn throughout the night.

When I awoke this morning, the sun was still low and near the horizon. There was a haze to the east which was lit up in the softest shade of pink, like a rose petal fog that partially obscured the dawn. The sun slanting through the gap in the front window was flame orange, like you only see at dawn or dusk. It struck the legs of our furniture and lit them up as though drawing the fire hidden within the wood. The oak of the barstools glowed like amber beneath a polished finish, the cherry wood in the living room more like garnets. All from a narrow beam of light, maybe a foot high, walking its way from the back of the living room toward the base of the front window as each minute passed.

Ten minutes later, all of it was gone, the haze, the light, the fire. One day soon, it will no longer reappear. Some mornings it pays to rise with the first light of dawn.


© 2011 Edward P. Morgan III

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Trash Migration




Here at the house, our trash gets collected twice each week, Monday and Thursday. While we're lucky if we put out one barrel once a week, our neighbors are much more prolific in their trash generation. Every Sunday and Wednesday, we are privileged to witness the rare trash migration that occurs next door.

It starts before dawn with us waking to find one trash can perched like a pillar at the edge of the curb. It stands as a lone sentry for most of the morning, a kind of bellwether guardian to ensure the remainder of the herd will be safe as they approach. One by one over the course of the next several hours, individual cans cluster around their leader until, by evening, three to four well-stuffed barrels have colonized the banks of the asphalt stream. Only then does the young, less contained trash of the herd, the miscellaneous boxes, bags and household detritus, feel safe enough to emerge from hiding and cling to the handles of their elders. Once weekly, they are joined by their low, squat cousins, the recycling bins, always arriving in pairs, usually after a heavy feeding. Some days, they bring snacks of bundled yard waste to see them through the long, dark night until collection the next morning.

Each week, they remain quite cautious. In my twenty years of observation, I've never seen the herd rush the curb en masse. Perhaps the subtropical heat holds them to a slower pace. Perhaps it's their natural shyness or an instinct for self-preservation against the packs of salvage scavengers and rogue recyclers that circle the neighborhood. Perhaps only one or two ever make the migration at all and breed at the curb in some unwitnessed mating ritual or asexual budding. I'm not sure we'll know unless we set up a scent-masked blind with a motion-sensing, night-vision camera to monitor their diurnal rhythms in this their natural habitat.

But we must be quick or by morning all we'll find are their empty carcasses. The grunting, grinding predator that roams the asphalt river is large and its appetite nearly insatiable.


© 2011 Edward P. Morgan III

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Squirrel Conclave




Yesterday, as I was looking out the office window, I saw the neighbor's cat go tearing across the front yard, chasing after something out of sight. One of our cats, on the bookshelf behind me, was suddenly very interested. So I went to another window, and sure enough, there was the neighbor's cat with a squirrel in his mouth. I headed for the door, hoping for a rescue, but by the time I got outside, the cat and squirrel were nowhere in sight. I looked around, but saw no sign. Once I got back to the driveway, I heard a squirrel in one of the front oaks screeching a warning like they do, only somewhat off-key. To me, it sounded mournful.

This morning, I look out the office window and see three small squirrels playing in the grass. Tentatively, they chase one another up one of the front oaks. Two more join them. The five of them run down and across the street. Another two cross from the neighbor's yard. Ok, that's seven squirrels. They chase each other up the neighbor's palm tree, and back down, still friendly. Then they sit in a three-by-three foot area, most up on their hind legs as if posing for a picture. Another crosses the street to join them, and, finally, two more. That makes a total of ten squirrels that I can see.

Uh, oh, this doesn't look good. I've never seen this many squirrels in one small space before. Maybe there's some sort of conclave going on. Maybe it's a mass migration. Maybe they think the neighborhood has gone downhill. Or maybe they're plotting revenge against the neighbor's cat. I'd better keep our own off the porch today, just in case.

Now, without ever seeing any squirrels cross back, I've got a normal compliment in the front yard again, eating the hibiscus flowers, drinking from the birdbath, romping in the oaks. All the ones across the street have vanished. One or two more cross, but by then the congregation has dispersed. The conclave is over. Maybe they've selected a new leader. Or elected a new pope. I don't see any white smoke. Just gray tails swishing in the breeze.

Ok, maybe I should go lie down. It's been a rather strange morning.


© 2011 Edward P. Morgan III

Friday, July 6, 2007

Der Panzer Toaster




On Saturday we went shopping for a new microwave to replace our 21 year-old model which had started to emit more and more of ozone each time we turned it on. While in Bed, Bath & Beyond, I contracted a serious case of techno-lust and felt compelled to check in on an old friend in the small appliance section, Der Panzer Toaster.

I spotted this beast a few years ago. It's a toaster-oven made by Krups, a name reminiscent of the German arms manufacturer during WWII, though an entirely different company as I understand it. This is one serious device. It has solid, German construction, blocky and heavy. It has digital controls, the high-tech communications package of toaster ovens. It has an ultra-modern, matte black, baked on stealth-style enamel coating. Behind the door it has six quartz heating elements, three top, three bottom, that draw more power than the average microwave oven, a whopping 1.6 kW. It has a Teflon coated drip-pan liner. It has enough room inside to swallow a frozen pizza or a house a bevy of Cornish game hens.

If you were to put this machine on treads, it would roam the counter at night and demand the surrender of other kitchen electronics, forcing the small appliances into forming alliances to oppose it. First, it would incorporate the coffee maker into its empire, which the Braun bean grinder would likely betray. Then, the crock pot, the bread machine and the blender would dig in, forming a ceramic, glass and steel Maginot Line. But they, too, would fall when it outflanked their defenses through the forest of oregano and basil in the spice countries. The garbage disposal would resist valiantly but soon shut down, leaving the dishwasher in an untenable position.

Emboldened, Der Panzer Toaster would cross the sink unopposed. One by one, it would conquer the mini-chopper, the hand mixer, and finally the stick blender. With the digital scale and the kitchen timer under siege, only the microwave could hold out on its own for long, and only because it occupies a separate island on a separate circuit breaker. Ultimately, even it would fail unless the refrigerator revoked its neutrality and brought its technological prowess to bear quickly, first by exploiting Der Panzer Toaster's one known weakness and coating the linoleum in a frozen, arctic tundra, followed by opening a second front across the channel to the butcher-block that houses the kitchen knives. Even then, it would be a long, hard slog to liberate the appliances that had fallen under Der Panzer Toaster's shadow. And who knows what cold war might ensue should the conventional oven decide to pursue an independent strategy and occupy its own client states.

As much as I admire that kind of innovative technological initiative, that's not the behavior I'm looking for in a small kitchen appliance. So I left it on the shelf, purring like a Bengal tiger as it dreamed of stainless steel, gourmet glory in someone else's kitchen.


© 2011 Edward P. Morgan III