Showing posts with label Beltane. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Beltane. Show all posts

Saturday, May 1, 2021

Problems I Can Solve - Beltane 2021

 

Throughout the past year of pandemic isolation and political turmoil, I have watched what friends are doing to occupy their time. While some are throwing themselves into their careers or avocations (making movies, writing books, setting up emergency communication networks, crocheting king-sized blankets from thread-weight yarn, working for social justice, or just plain working), I have been wargaming.

 

Most people will view this as merely one step up from devouring an industrial-sized bag of Funyuns while binge-watching entire seasons of Californication days on end, which was my other option. Given my choice was between that, going full-frontal prepper by breaking ground on an improvised fallout shelter on the porch (fully stocked with Funyuns as emergency rations and trade goods), and curling up into a fetal fugue state, I think I made the right choice. Writing was largely off the table for me. As I’ve said before, I need to feel marginally safe to write fiction. I was lucky to post the pieces I did last year.

 

Normally, reading would be my go-to form of escapism. Except for a two-month dead zone over the summer, I leaned heavily on that. I lost count of the number of books I read last year. Somewhere south of forty, I think. Fewer than my wife, which is unusual. The problem with reading during stressful times for me is that when a book is difficult or slow, as several of the ones I picked were, my mind drifts back to the three-card monte game above.

 

Some people will ask why wargames, not video games, boardgames or roleplaying games. Well, roleplaying games generally require more than two people to create a satisfying experience. They also consume a great deal of my bandwidth to setup. While I have run successful campaigns during stressful times, including while working mandatory overtime, in general the issue with this kind of creativity is similar to writing: it requires a minimum psychological standard for being marked as safe.

 

Similarly, the sweet-spot for players in most boardgames I find interesting is between three and five. Neither boardgames nor roleplaying games are conducive to being run over Zoom or Facetime, not that I detected much interest in the Kitten*Con crowd anyway. And boardgame runs are generally short, a couple hours to a day at best. I was looking for something more immersive.

 

Video games can fall closer to what I’m looking for but come with a host of other limitations. Most of the games I’ve enjoyed run on hardware and/or operating system that are several generations old. In publication terms, they would be considered out-of-print. The current generation of games has shifted in a direction I don’t find as appealing. The kind I do enjoy aren’t being developed for the platforms I’m on. While I have had fun with a couple straight-up video games last year, many center around physical reflex challenges that have never been my forte. For me, those are likely to induce more frustration than they relieve. In competitive games, the native AI often suffers in single player mode. Playing online against strangers would likely drive me back to the bunker option above. Plus, even in the best of times there is still the problem of scheduling, which is a constant challenge with anything involving two or more adults. And there is nothing like playing against a live opponent as they constantly surprise you.

 

All of which led me back to wargames.

 

First, let me clear up a few misconceptions about wargaming. The largest being that it is an exclusively testosterone-laden hobby geared to drooling, sloped foreheaded killers and JROTC military wannabes. Well, let’s take that one piece at a time.

 

While it is true that wargaming as we know it was born out of the Prussian military in the wake of the Napoleonic Wars through a game called Kriegspiel (literally wargame), over its two-century evolution, the hobby has attracted many non-military people into its ranks. Perhaps the best known is H. G. Wells, a devout and lifelong pacifist, who developed a set of miniatures wargame rules called Little Wars (“a game for boys from twelve years of age to one hundred and fifty and for that more intelligent sort of girl who likes boys' games and books”). As well, during the run-up to WWII, a series of sponsored naval wargames was run on the ballroom floor of an elite Manhattan hotel which was the place to be seen for many socialites who would never see the inside of a uniform, including many women. By the 1960s, the hobby had evolved into a favorite of college students, many of whom had no real desire to find themselves putting its principles into practice in the jungles of Vietnam.

 

Circling back to Wells’ perhaps somewhat problematic description of his own game above, let’s address the gender issue in the common perception of wargaming. Much like roleplaying games or the genre of science fiction, wargaming has never been an exclusively male avocation. Reviewing the subscription lists to wargaming magazines, as well as letters to the editors, reveals an approximately 10% female demographic of players and readers going back decades. The current evidence points to perhaps as high as 20%. That can go to nearly 50% if you examine the class composition of one of the very few Master’s levels wargame simulations design courses offered in a university (for the likes of people wanting to work for the RAND corporation).

 

Male wargamers often complain about the dearth of female players, but at the same time, they do not always create a welcoming environment for either female or minority opponents (again, much like roleplaying, science fiction or even STEM). The reality is there are female wargamers and female wargame designers. Hell, there are even award-winning transgender designers. Perhaps the best how-to-play video I’ve ever watched was created by a female former-servicemember for a C3i magazine game called Case Blue. Of course, I can no longer find that video on YouTube. Perhaps she grew weary of the marriage proposals sprinkled heavily through the comments. Which is a better alternative than the Gamergate harassment she could have suffered, a very real, and sometimes existential threat to women in the gaming community. The level of even casual sexism in male instructional and review videos is supremely depressing.

 

But the reality is that the wargaming community, like all hobby communities, is a continuum of many different types of people, from physical characteristics to socioeconomic backgrounds. Fitting all players into a single mold is like pounding off the corners of square pegs just to fit in someone’s desired round holes. It’s more than unproductive. Women wargame. Minorities wargame. LBGTQ people wargame. Pacifists and liberals wargame. Get used to it, or get out.

 

The only thing that matters much to me right now as far as a wargaming partner goes is that my wife is also interested in playing. She enjoys learning the history. She enjoys touring battlefields. She has a surprising competitive streak. She comes at the problems from a different angle. And having a gaming partner in the same household has made life easier (except maybe when she tells me, “I know where you sleep”). It’s something we enjoyed doing together even before the pandemic isolation. So, we continued.

 

The first quasi-wargame I played was Stellar Conquest (aka Stellar Confusion), a four-player, 4X strategy game which friends in high school introduced me to during my sophomore year. It incorporated economics, a multi-tiered technology track, hidden resources and movement, along with a simple combat system and an unofficial negotiation, all tracked by hand on a map with counters and concealed paper player sheets.

 

The first true two-player wargame I played was Panzer Blitz, which a different friend picked up when I was senior in high school. It is a classic hex and counter game set on the Eastern Front of Europe in WWII. My friend wanted to play the Germans, so I got to experience the Soviets. Which meant I got mauled pretty badly early on. The first scenarios do not favor Big Red.

 

My next foray was in college with another Avalon Hill game called Machiavelli, a multiplayer game of conquest set in Renaissance Italy (complete with tables for plague and famine) that focuses heavily on negotiation, similar to Diplomacy. This one featured hidden unit orders (ultimately executed simultaneously) again tracked with pencil and paper. This is a game we’ve planned entire weekends and cross-country vacations around so we could experience the full eight-player scenario, which is pretty wild.

 

When Karen and I moved to Maryland, where initially we didn’t know many people who shared our tastes in roleplaying, we set out to learn Squad Leader. A friend in college had a copy which we played a couple times before I picked it up. At the moment I bought it, it was one of the most complex games on the market. Like many modern video games, the rulebook walked you through a series of twelve scenarios, each one of which introduced a new section of rules so you could get a handle on them without being completely overwhelmed. So, one scenario might tackle morale and rallying, another tanks, another offboard artillery and spotting, another radios and flamethrowers, etc. I think we made it through seven or eight scenarios.

 

Then for a long time, we set the hobby down. Roleplaying was our first love in gaming, so we spent what time we had organizing groups that ran in multiyear campaigns of AD&D, Traveller and Aftermath.

 

Fast forward to somewhere around 2018. For my 50th birthday, a friend had given me a $100 bill, something I had never held in my hand before. For whatever reason, I didn’t spend it right away. Because the gift was special to me, I wanted to buy something special with it. By then, our roleplaying group had floundered as most of our friends adulting schedules made coordinating impossible. Somewhere along the line, I had rekindled my interest in wargaming. I was at a point in my life where I needed to refocus on things that gave me joy. Poking around, I ran across C3i, a wargaming magazine that primarily supports GMT wargames. Each issue includes a fully developed minigame, often with a subset of rules from a larger, more complex game. That struck me as an interesting way to try out a more expensive game before buying it.

 

So, I used that gift money to pick up three back issues on Amazon. Included were games called Plan Orange (a speculative US-Japan naval war in the 1930s based on Empire of the Sun), South Pacific (also based on Empire of the Sun, centered around the campaign at Guadalcanal), and the Battle of Wakefield (a War of the Roses battle based on the Men of Iron series). Soon after, I picked up Case Blue (the WWII Stalingrad offensive based on the rules of Unconditional Surrender: Europe). The following year, I picked up The Battle of Issy (the last battle of the Napoleonic Wars using the Jours de Gloire system).

 

Each game only took about a weekend to learn and play with rulesets of 10-12 pages, which by modern wargame standards are relatively short. Because the minigames were less intimidating, my wife once again joined me in playthroughs. We found them all interesting enough, and fun enough, that I ended up buying each of the larger games.

 

Emboldened by our success and having something enjoyable to occupy our weekends, I delved back into my small stash of wargames in the back closet. Among them I rediscovered one called Onward Christian Soldiers, a 2-7 player wargame with three scenarios and two rulesets that focus on the First through Third Crusades. Back when we were regularly traveling to the other coast each year to visit the parental units, I would stop at a game store in Orlando that I’d been frequenting since high school as a reward for surviving the excursion. On one of those trips, I’d spotted and indulged myself with this game. I had glanced it over once or twice but life got in the way of my fully diving into it.

 

For Christmas break that year, we decided we would learn and play the first scenario. Little did we know that this game had a well-earned reputation for not having the cleanest ruleset. It can be a frustrating experience trying to understand someone’s less than perfectly written or implemented set of rules, especially with a wargame. This game has two 32-page rulebooks (one for the First Crusade, a different one for the Second and Third) plus a 16-page Quick Start Guide and Playbook. They were generally poorly organized with multiple typos and contradictions due to inadequate editing and printing errors. In fact, there are pages and pages of errata and FAQs on Board Game Geek and Con Sim World (a wargaming support site). For years the developer threatened to incorporate the clarifications and corrections into a new edition of the rules but could never get the game designer onboard. I have a composition notebook for Onward filled with handwritten questions and eventual answers citing references (designer, developer, house rule, website, etc.).

 

Back in college, I heard the most complex wargame printed (at the time) was called Third Reich. As you might guess, it simulated WWII in Europe. The same friend owned it as owned Squad Leader but could never get anyone to play. At some point, I made a copy of the rules and eventually plowed my way through them. By the time I finished, my friend and I no longer lived in the same city never mind the same state but we did have a few opportunities to get together and discuss how the rules might work. Even though we never got to play, trying to understand the rules was a kind of challenge, as much to see whether the game had potential (it did) as to play it.

 

That experience served me well with Onward Christian Soldiers.

 

Because in the end, despite all its creakiness, Onward is an oddly fascinating and fantastic game to play. By the end of our Christmas break, both my wife and I found ourselves huddled over the game table, plotting our next moves, throwing down cards and rolling dice to determine how our encounters played out, screaming “God wills it!” when fortune turned our way. Or whimpering that same phrase when fate and the dice abandoned us. We had a blast. For all its issues, this is still one of our go-to wargames.

 

Fast forward again to the pandemic. By now, we had more rulesets under our belt. We’d played through Arquebus which was the latest installment of Men of Iron. We’d played through over half a dozen battles of the Napoleonic Wars in Jours de Gloire, including Waterloo. We’d played through Battle Hymn: Gettysburg and Pea Ridge. We’d played through Putin Strikes (the gods only know why) and heavily modified it with house rules to make it enjoyable. We’d played through At Any Cost: Metz 1870 (another go-to game). We’d even given a go to MBT (Main Battle Tank), a Cold War US-USSR simulation with a 75-page rulebook and slightly shorter Playbook.

 

During the initial lockdown, we opted to play the four main battles of Napoleon’s Last 100 Days (Quatre Bras, Ligny, Wavre and Waterloo), complete with an introductory review video and updates posted on a Facebook page we created. After a long break over the summer for reasons discussed in other essays and an abortive attempt at playing Little Bighorn (too grindy but maybe deserves a second chance), we held a two-person Kitten*Con: Covid Edition which featured a couple minigames that eased us back into playing again. That ended with us taking up Case Blue as a warmup for Unconditional Surrender: Europe with its 56-page Rulebook and equally long Playbook, and surprisingly little errata.

 

Unconditional Surrender has hundreds of counters on two map sheets that take up our entire gaming table, and requires two auxiliary TV trays for the three faction mobilization cards plus the top of a game cabinet for counter storage and a pair of compact dice rolling towers. Even that barely contains this monster of a game into the space we have. At the peak of the January wave of Covid, we walked through several training scenarios then embarked on the full war, which we finished about a month later, playing nearly every day. We even spent our January stimulus checks on new gaming chairs. Wargaming was back on the menu, boyos.

 

All of which left me wondering, how was it that I could focus on reading, integrating and digesting dozens of pages of rules when I couldn’t really sit down to write? What was it about this hobby that was so captivating where other forms of escapism had failed?

 

I mean, I have never been in the military. I don’t like air shows. I don’t like cars shows or boat shows. I don’t really like fireworks. I’m not into guns or gadgetry, any of which you might expect. I view tools as tools, not as lists of specifications to be drooled at or debated over beers. I guess I am not a typical guy in that regard.

 

But I am still an engineer at heart. I am the guy who looked forward to the logic problems in crossword puzzle books as a kid. I am the guy who enjoyed word problems in school. I am the guy who liked diagramming sentences in English. I am still the guy who does his own taxes every year, so poorly written instructions leave me undaunted. I am the guy who took boundary value problems in college as an elective. So, complex problems are not particularly intimidating, at least when there are rules and instructions to help me forge my way through. And I also am the guy who can quote 6-sided (and even 10-sided) dice probabilities in my sleep. I was born under the sign of a bell curve.

 

What I am not good at is people. Ok, that’s not strictly true. I do pretty well at judging people’s motivations and intents, and intuitively gauging how certain social scenarios might play out. But it’s something I don’t particularly enjoy. I picked it up as a survival skill from growing up in an unstable environment, then honed it in a Machiavellian workplace. Decades of roleplaying helped. As did spinning out oddly interlinked and little understood scenarios for a post-apocalypse roleplaying game called Aftermath sometimes based on classified information gleaned from public sources.

 

So, when I was faced with a real-life scenario that both experience and intuition screamed at me was perhaps an existential threat in the twin avatars of a pandemic and social/political unrest, my first priority was to contingency plan. The problem I faced was Rumsfeldian. It wasn’t the known knowns or the unknown knowns or even the known unknowns that bothered me. Those I mostly knew how to deal with. It was the unknown unknowns. The black swans if you will, at least one of which had already occurred in the pandemic itself.

 

This series of knowns and unknowns wove a complex web of problems. Some were straightforward. By a year ago, we knew there would be lockdowns, either structured or self-organized, but we didn’t know how long they would last. We knew we should wear masks but didn’t know how effective they would be. We knew people were working on a vaccine, but didn’t know if or when one might be available or how effective it would be. We knew there would be shortages be we didn’t know of what or for how long.

 

Because people are people, we knew there would be hoarding. While some items made sense pretty quickly (masks, hand sanitizer, cleaning products), others took some digging to figure out (toilet paper, meat), a few only made sense in hindsight (freezers, exercise equipment), while some never made much sense at all except as self-fulfilling prophecy (ammunition, emergency rations). But at least people were taking the pandemic seriously if somewhat haphazardly.

 

We also knew there would be economic impacts, but didn’t know the depth or breadth of the downturn and how it would impact us. Not an ideal situation with my wife having retired less than a year before. A nightmare scenario for order of returns (a key component of the American retirement system), never mind for the friends and relatives suddenly thrown out of work.

 

We also knew it was an election year, but we didn’t know exactly how that would play into the crisis. We knew we had erratic leadership, but didn’t appreciate exactly how erratic (enough that it cost a sitting President an election). We knew there was a ton of misinformation out there, but didn’t know the extent to which it was organized and orchestrated for political gain.

 

Because of all that we knew people would get sick, that people would die, and that this country was not prepared or equipped to prevent the bulk of that from happening. From 1918, we knew those infections and deaths would likely come in waves.

 

What we didn’t know was whether the healthcare system would fully collapse (as it almost did in NYC). We didn’t know that over the summer the country would see some of the largest spontaneous civil rights demonstrations and unrest since the 1960s. We didn’t know that armed and organized right-wing groups would attempt to kidnap a sitting governor with the intent of publicly executing her to further their “liberate” agenda.

 

In short, we didn’t know exactly how far social cohesion might break down.

 

Although I suspected and predicted that the combination of social stresses, societal trends, and sociopathic leadership would lead to violence, I did not know exactly what form that might take (spoiler alert: it wasn’t the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man). Like, say, whether Q-Anon, the 3-Percenters, the Oath Keepers and the Proud Boys would forge an unholy alliance and attempt a full-on insurrection at the Capitol with encouragement from a lame-duck President who had yet to concede defeat (spoiler alert: they did).

 

That just scratches the surface of the constellation of problems that occupied my mind, the list of which grew throughout the year. The country was at a confluence of events, some of which had been decades in the making, some of which had sprung up overnight. Most of which, either known or unknown, were out of my hands to solve or resolve. There were actions I could take to protect us on a small scale but precious little I could do to influence the larger outcome. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Which is what I focused on until my personal life went off the rails in June. But even then, I continued garnering information and monitoring the situation.

 

But my capacity to initiate change was quickly overwhelmed. I spent a lot of time waiting to see how the scenario unfolded, incorporating models into a lot of multi-branched decision trees, with a lot of contingency plans depending which path they took. Suddenly, I found my personal Venn diagram between reality and wargaming significantly overlapped.

 

At their core, all wargames are simulations. They are instructional tools for orderly quantifying and understanding complex problems set in chaotic environment. At both the professional and the amateur/hobby level, they teach a particular set of skills. Organization. Objectives. Supply. Situational Awareness. Surveying the terrain for strengths and weaknesses. Evaluating a position, yours or someone else’s. Spotting a vulnerability. Recognizing an opportunity. Planning, and because no plan survives first contact, contingency planning.

 

If engineering fundamentally teaches you how to solve a problem and how to read a book, and science teaches you how to evaluate data and how to confirm a pattern, and art teaches you how to see and how to control your hands, then wargaming teaches you how to organize and how to adapt. Or perhaps a little of all those things. But only with practice, practice, practice. Like any skill, it needs to be sharpened so that it operates smoothly under stress.

 

So, while I couldn’t develop a vaccine, or heal hundreds of years of racial inequity overnight, or dyke the spring tide of conspiracy theories, I knew how to spur Murat into a charge and collapse an Austrian flank at Montebello. I knew how to patiently hold the key villages around Mars-La-Tour even with only degraded French forces until the relentless Prussian assault ground down. I knew how to get Italian formations moving across the river at Fornovo to engage and scatter the idle French. I knew control of the fortress at Antioch was the key to success or failure in the First Crusade. I knew that if the Japanese could seize and hold Port Moresby, the entire American Guadalcanal offensive might collapse.

 

And what I didn’t know, I could learn. I could distract my mind from fixating ineffectually on the problems of the present by unleashing upon it the problems of the past. So instead of waking up in the middle of the night worrying about some possible event I couldn’t change, I could set my mind to how to launch an effective surprise attack to disrupt and delay a Soviet summer offensive in 1943, and prevent the collapse of the entire Eastern Front. I could review force dispositions in my mind, moving them this way or that based on what I remembered. I could consider what units might be transferred from other theaters to improve the outcome, and whether that would strip those defenses too far back when the Western allies invaded. If need be, I could get up, turn on a light, study the map, consult the rules, calculate the odds, determine how to improve the probabilities, and devise a plan that might or might not pass muster come daylight. And with that problem solved, at least until the next morning, I could get back to sleep.

 

Once my plan was put to the test, I could immerse myself in a language of tables and modifiers, of dice rolls and simple mathematics, of the probabilities of success and failure, of adaptation to the truth on the ground as the encounters unfolded. Of the satisfaction of well executed plan that accomplishes its objectives. Or the sudden anxiety of attempting to salvage an untenable position on the fly when it doesn’t.

 

As I played, time and reality slipped away. The noise of daily life faded to the background. Just one push might make the difference in an offensive. The risk of one more airstrike by the Luftwaffe, of one more panzer army committed to the attack, of creating and exploiting one more breech even if it thinned out my defenses. Of one more sketchy Italian ally plugging a hole in a suddenly tenuous line where only it can hold back an inexhaustible red tide of infantry if only for another month, another turn, another night. Until I could reset and recompose a new midnight gospel master plan for that cardboard ballet of uncertainty which continued to uncoil accompanied by both Heisenberg and Schrodinger singing impromptu arias. You can predict either the position or the momentum of your offensive but not both with the same precision until your turn fully plays out. That critical panzer army at the point of your attack is both alive and dead until the dice settle into their final position, revealing its fate.

 

And if none of the planning worked? If Fortuna did not smile in my favor? If I misread the transition between aggression pays and conservatively consolidating a position that inexplicably collapsed? If I risked a bridge too far in a moment of no guts, no glory emotion? Well, it was simple enough to reset the board and try again. And again. And again, if necessary. Until the contours of the problem of that scenario were fully understood. Until I got it right.

 

If nothing else, this past year has reinforced the opportunity to apply those lessons to my everyday life.

 

Things like understanding that long-term strategy and accumulated odds of success are directly applicable to retirement planning. That sticking to the plan to see how it plays out is important but so is adapting it when the unexpected happens. That spotting and seizing a no-guts-no-glory investment opportunity, however fleeting, is often the key to financial success.

 

Or applying Machiavelli negotiating skills, with the right blend of gathered intelligence, perceived mutual interests and veiled threats (or if necessary, flashing a metaphorical assassin’s dagger), is critical when dealing with the recalcitrance of the city or the county, a middling to major corporation, or rival organizations and teams at work. That building alliances, sometimes with unreliable allies, is often the only way to achieve your overall objectives.

 

Or learning enough about logistics to build a running, rotating stock of essential supplies during a pandemic, including from nontraditional sources that deliver on Easter Sunday. That a vaccine being 95% effective translates to a 1 in 20 chance that it won’t be, that mask’s effectiveness of 83% translates to a 1 in 6 chance that it isn’t. And exactly how those odds play out in real-world rolls, and how to evaluate the risk/reward implications should one of those rolls fail.

 

Or even gleaning information on the availability of guns and ammunition from key websites to calculate the likelihood of violence. Or if necessary, being able to set up a defensible position behind the rock in front of the house with firing lanes that cover the main approaches should it happen that some of the armed and dangerous, batshit crazy Proud Boys instigating the Capitol insurrection had infiltrated and occupied my own neighborhood (spoiler alert: one was captured by the FBI a few blocks away).

 

Like a purported Chinese curse, we live in interesting times.

 

Which is why until time and chance return us to some semblance of normality, you will find me at the gaming table, working through problems I can solve. Because the day-to-day surreality of this life grows increasingly beyond my ken.

 

 

© 2021 Edward P. Morgan III

Friday, May 1, 2020

Homelessness – Beltane 2020


Thirty-eight years ago, I was standing in the driveway of the house where I grew up when a Rockledge cop said to me, “We can absolutely arrest her and charge her with battery right now if that’s what you want. She will go to jail. But either way, you need to find a new place to live.”

He had just finished examining my arm to confirm the teeth-marks that had resulted in my call. His partner was inside, talking to my mother, getting her side of the story. Ultimately, she heard the same thing, that she could be sent to jail immediately. All I had to do was say the word.

I didn’t.

Like many choices I made that day, I am not sure why.

I don’t remember exactly how the fight kicked off, or really what it was about. There had been friction between my mother and I since I’d turned eighteen a few months earlier, some of which stemmed from my father no longer paying child support even though I was still in high school. But I don’t think she liked me asserting any of my newfound independence.

What I remember is waking up with her screaming at me. I was on my feet when she burst into my room in a rage. I’m sure prompted by something I had or hadn’t done, though I can’t for the life of me remember what that might have been. Or maybe I’d been out late the night before and sleeping in, which she never liked.

What I do is remember standing in my underwear wondering what the hell was going on when she started pounding on me with her fists. This wasn’t the first time she’d gotten physical with me. A year or so before, she’d slung a frozen roast across the counter into my chest, cracking a rib or at least tearing cartilage, because she said I “was being sullen.” My father told me a horrific story that I only remember peripherally from when I was four.

Unlike then, this time I had a moment of crystal clarity. At the time I still had a very skewed impression of my mother, and the allocation of power and size between us. I remember having been afraid of her for a long time. Up until that very instant, I still saw her through a younger child’s eyes, as much bigger and more intimidating than she really was.

It was only as her fists were raining down on my chest that I finally realized that I was a 6’ 1” male and she was a 5’ 4” female more than twice my age. Though I wasn’t strong, I was stronger than she was, and had reach and at least 40 pounds on her. Even though I was barely awake, something clicked in my head that said I no longer had to take her abuse.

So, I grabbed her wrists to prevent her from hitting me anymore. I remember holding them firmly but not squeezing. I could stop her and there was not much she could do. With that epiphany, I remember feeling really proud of myself for having figured that out.

That lasted for a full second until she switched attack vectors and started kicking for my balls. Thankfully, most women overestimate this tactic. Most guys are really good at defending the boys unless they are taken by surprise. I was no different. I turned my hips to shield them, then outstretched my arms to full length.

Once again, I briefly thought I had the situation under control. I just needed her to understand it and calm the fuck down. Once again, I underestimated why in the Irish pantheon two of the three gods of war are female.

Up to now, she surprised me but hadn’t really hurt me, though that had absolutely been her intent. Her next move made that abundantly clear. She clamped her teeth on my forearm and bit down. Hard. The sudden pain got my full and undivided attention.

I still have no idea why I didn’t throw her into a wall. All I wanted to do was stop her, not hurt her. But this tested my patience. Instead, she got what she exactly wanted. I released her wrists, and took a step back, my fists now clenched to defend myself if she came at me again.

When she didn’t, I cautiously examined my arm to see what she had done. I was stunned to find the very clear, deep impressions of her teeth. Just short of breaking skin. This from a woman who was the teacher of sometimes young children and had zero tolerance for biting.

I glared up at her and said I could call the cops for that. She dared me to. She said they’d laugh when they arrived. She mocked that I’d been bitten and bested by my 42-year-old mother. Another mistake on her part in a series of bad decisions. I dialed 911 and told them what had happened. The dispatcher said a cruiser was on the way.

When it arrived, I recognized one of the two officers who got out of the car. He frequented the restaurant where I worked. He and I had talked a number of times. He’d pulled security duty at my boss’s wedding reception. He was personable but no-nonsense and showed no favoritism. He’d made that abundantly clear before.

He interviewed me in the driveway, his partner my mother inside the house. They separated us, per protocol, to see how our stories fit together, then compared notes. When he came out of that conclave, he told me my mother had confirmed most of what I’d said. She’d basically confessed, enough that they could charge her. But not me as he made it clear that I’d done nothing wrong. The marks on my arm were enough. They were still clearly visible after the fifteen minutes it took for the cruiser to arrive. His partner had informed her that her fate was in my hands.

As tempting as it was to have her thrown in jail just to make sure the message sank in, I knew there would be repercussions if I did. But I took his warning seriously. Domestic abuse never ends well where the abused and the abuser continue to cohabitate.

So, I told him they could cut her loose, got in my car and left. I had keys and planned to come back and collect my things the next day while she was at work.

But where to go? Where would I sleep that night?

Those were suddenly existential questions. I drifted around, still in shock, not knowing exactly where to go or what to do.

At some point, I called my grandparents in Cape Canaveral. My grandfather, my father’s father, made it clear that I could not go there. I sensed my grandmother was less than pleased. But it wasn’t in her nature to defy her husband. My other grandparents were fifteen hundred miles away, with the rest of my extended family. My sister was three thousand. My father at least a couple hundred, but I had good reason to doubt he would welcome me.

All my high school friends still lived at home. I could picture none of them being able to offer me a place to stay. Most of them had no inkling of my situation. Some still didn’t until just a few years ago. I’ve said before that when I was younger, I’d learned not to discuss life at home because of the long looks, the awkward silences and the distancing I’d received when I had. Society often values and rewards secrecy over safety in that regard.

Eventually, I ended up at my friend’s place in public housing. Yeah, the one from the 2 o’clock news. By then it was dark and I was desperate. I begged him to crash on his couch just for one night. Hell even a few hours. My only other option was sleeping in my car on the street outside. I didn’t know where else to go.

In the last essay, I alluded to the vagaries of public housing. Here’s a more concrete example of their Byzantine, if well-intentioned, rules.

As kids, most of us remember sleepovers. You know, where you and one friend or many get together for a night at one or another of your houses, either in guest beds or in sleeping bags on the floor. Usually you stay up late playing games or watching movies, then whisper even later into the night until a host parent somehow convinces you all to go to sleep.

Most people see it as a completely unremarkable childhood activity. When we were very young, staying a night away from home was a kind of rite of passage. Most parents I’ve talked to view it as a small, sometimes necessary break. Unless, of course, they are hosting.

That wasn’t really a thing in public housing. It couldn’t be. By rule of the Public Housing Authority, having anyone unregistered stay even a single night was a violation that could see the entire family evicted. Immediately.

My friend’s mother informed me of all that in no uncertain terms. I had no desire to put anyone at risk but, like a child, I was already shutting down mentally, unable to think clearly. I desperately needed time to reset and regroup. I’d run through every possibility I could think of.

My friend’s mother was torn in a way I’d rarely seen. She called me an adoptive son and I knew she meant it. I could see she truly wanted to help but felt constrained by circumstance. She quizzed me to see if I really had exhausted every other possibility. She looked stricken and horrified when I told her my grandparents had refused me shelter even for a single night.

But she was one of the few adults in my life who was familiar with my situation and not uncomfortable with knowing about it. In the past, she had called my mother, and talked with her woman to woman, trying to help smooth a situation out. She had been told, in no uncertain terms, to mind her own business and to never call again. She understood the anguish, the fear, the complete uncertainty I was going through.

That’s when she made a decision. I could see it on her face. True to her unique, pragmatic style, she turned away from me, looking instead at her son and informed him that she was going to bed. That she would be getting up at a certain time in the morning, which I’d never heard her do. That she wouldn’t come out until then. My friend nodded and repeated back the time. That was her tacit permission for me to stay as long as I was gone by then.

It was one of the bravest things I’ve ever witnessed. She put her family at risk. For me. It’s only with time that I’ve fully understood to what extent. Not something I am ever likely to forget.

But one night was all I needed. The next day, through good fortune and a little generosity, I signed a lease on a basic, furnished apartment. I received a small donation of bedding, towels and other household goods. I adjusted my hours at my minimum-wage job from part-time to full-time. That summer, I cooked and cleaned and paid my bills, day to day and month to month. In the end, my finances were roughly even, no more saving than I’d started with but no debt either. Not exactly the way I intended to spend the summer between high school and college, but life is what happens while we’re making other plans.

Some people will read this and say, it was only one night. Well, I would respectfully point out that’s hindsight. I didn’t know how things would turn out a priori. And I will never forget that feeling of uncertainty and heart-freezing fear. And I know that not everyone has that choice. If you wonder why so many people continue to live with abusers, to an extent many have no other good option.

“We are all just three bad breaks away from seeing throwing scud missiles as a valid career path.” (author unknown)

More importantly, we are all just three bad breaks away from being that person so many in our society like to look down on. That person caught in a downward spiral. That person who struggles. That person who needs help.

That could be from your attention wandering for a split second too long in a parking lot with a pedestrian, your birth control failing under normal parameters in high school or college, or that lump that you thought was a sebaceous cyst instead being something malignant. It could be an identity theft. It could be getting laid off from your job. It could be the family or circumstances you were born into. It could be a mental illness. Stack three of them together and you could be almost anyone.

Your life and circumstances can change in an instant, not always because of poor planning or poor choices but rather because sometimes random things happen to random people. If you've avoided them, you are exceptional in that you're lucky, not superior.

The day you forget that is the day you put your first foot into the grave. Because your sense of compassion and empathy has begun to die. And with it, your humanity.

Three bad breaks. My first was being assaulted. I didn’t ask for that. I didn’t intend it or provoke it. It came to me. In my room. In my underwear. My second could have been not having found a safe place to stay for a night and shake off the shock so I could decide what to do next, what needed to be done. Because I did, I got a shot to turn things around. My third could have been not finding help in nailing down a place to live that I could afford. Without it, I would likely have had to crawl back home. Had that happened, one of us living there might have eventually ended up dead.

My outcome was only possible because someone took a chance and gave me a night to catch my breath.

So when I see that homeless person crouched beside my local Outback, or get accosted by a vagrant in St. Pete on my way from a restaurant to my car, or I hear about people in desperate need of a social safety net, my first thought isn’t “hey, I bootstrapped myself, and so should you.” No, even if I don’t always spare a dollar, I spare a direct look in the eye and a nod of acknowledgement. I spare a vote to get society pointed in the right direction even if it impacts me. I spare a donation to a local shelter.

I know it’s not much, but more than some. Because I’ve been there, if only for one night, and remember how it feels. I walked away with a lesson and a lifelong perspective. A lesson I was lucky to learn so cheaply.

But having that lesson defines the difference between sympathy and empathy. Sympathy is imagining yourself in someone else’s shoes, thinking about how they might feel and acting accordingly. Empathy is relating to their situation by drawing on your own experience, even tangentially. Sympathy is an important part of the social contract but sometimes drifts into unproductive pity. Empathy is more powerful, yet often more difficult to maintain. Fundamentally, the difference is one between imagination and experience, no matter how small or remote.

I suspect that when the coronavirus crisis ends, a number of people who started with a bootstrap attitude will have a broader understanding of what three breaks might mean. While I wish nothing ill upon anyone, I hope we as a society will use that newfound perspective wisely.


© 2020 Edward P. Morgan III

Wednesday, May 1, 2019

Haves and Have-Nots - Priorities


My second major financial lesson came when I was a junior in college. This time, no one sat me down and patiently explained anything. This was strictly a sink or swim scenario.

As a part of my parents’ divorce agreement, my father agreed to pay for half of my sister’s and my college educations. My mother believed a college education was important, so agreed to pay for the other half of my tuition, room and board. Throughout college, I worked summers and part-time during the year, as I was responsible for paying for books (not inexpensive, but a small outlay compared to tuition), and whatever I needed for spending cash and to maintain a car.

After a slow start, I had finally adjusted to college life. By my junior year, I’d begun to enjoy the upper level classes I was taking much more than I had the preliminaries. I’d lightened my class load a little from the recommended level so I could concentrate better. I was comfortable, with enough money in my pocket to afford a few things for entertainment, less than some of my peers, more than others. All in all, life was pretty good.

I’d just finished my finals for the winter quarter and had registered for my next set of classes in spring. As I had for each of the previous eight quarters, I called each of my parents with a copy of the classes I’d registered for in hand, which also served as a bill from the university. I would forward each of them a hardcopy later. There was only a week to pay the bill and hold my classes.

My father promised to send the money without much comment, as he usually did. I don’t remember, but think he sent a check for his half straight to the university. My mother, on the other hand, said something completely unexpected when I told her how much was due.

“I don’t have it.”

I asked what she meant. “I mean I don’t have any more money to pay for your college.”

That statement came as quite a shock to me. Up to that point, she’d given no hint that there was any problem, any possibility of my needing to find an alternate source of funding. The previous quarter, everything was fine. This quarter, nothing. To this day, I don’t know what happened. She has never given me an explanation.

And honestly, even at the time, the why didn’t concern me as much as the how, as in how was I going to pay for spring quarter, or the remainder of my degree. Once the shock wore off, I was angry, not so much at having to pay that portion of the rest of college myself, but in having her put me in a position where I had one week to figure out how.

Suddenly I found myself in the deep end of the pool.

So I sat down and reviewed my abysmal financial situation. Even though I was working part-time and had some money in my bank account, it was nowhere near enough. My grandmother gave me a small gift each fall, basically beer and pizza money, but by spring that was almost gone. There was nothing legal I could think of to raise that type of cash in a week. I’d already cut back on meals from three to two each day to save my parents a little money. I’d just moved into a campus apartment because it was cheaper than the dorms, which also meant I’d be cooking for myself rather than eating in the cafeteria. That meant food had also become my responsibility. My father wasn’t about to pay for anything without campus paperwork attached.

I knew I couldn’t ask him for money, even a loan. He would have told me to abandon my degree and join the Army, which had been his preference from the beginning. His parents didn’t have that type of cash to lend. My mother’s parents might have, but I assumed that they knew her situation and were unable or unwilling to help (I now know I was wrong about that). Financial aid was out of the question as my parents made too much money.

Still, I was desperate, so I went to the Financial Aid office to see if they had any advice. Fortunately, they did. First, they said I qualified for two government-backed student loans, one small, one large. The smaller one was nearly automatic and able to be processed by the university. Between that and my savings, I was close to what I needed for the quarter but still significantly short. The second, larger loan had to be issued by a bank, who needed financial information on both of my parents even though neither of them was cosigning. I had my all father’s information. Which meant turning back to my mother, who, after some convincing, came to the bank with me. I remember her surprised expression when she learned I’d come up with an effective plan so quickly. Regardless, she provided the information I needed which helped secure the loan.

Disaster averted with only a couple days to spare.

That episode left its mark. From that point forward, I became very aware of every expense as most of them were now being paid from my account. I lived in mortal fear my father would pull his funding next. So I slashed my discretionary spending. I learned to cook meals from scratch as it was cheaper eating processed food. I discovered the power of buying meat in bulk and storing it in the freezer.

As I paid more attention and scrimped here and there, I discovered that I ended up a little more money than I thought. When I graduated, my bank statement showed I had one-quarter of the money from those two loans still in savings where everyone I talked to, including Financial Aid, said I would need to apply for a second and maybe a third larger loan from the bank. I’d survived five quarters on that initial cash infusion supplemented by what I’d earned working.

I attribute most of that to thinking differently about how I spent my money. Since then, I’ve mentally divided out the items on my budgets into three categories: Needs, Wants, and Nice-to-Haves. You can think of them as necessities, modern conveniences and luxuries.

Needs are things I can’t live without, at least not easily or legally. Things like rent or mortgage payments, groceries, utilities (electric, water, trash). Necessary, in other words. On my current list, that would include Property Taxes.

Nice-to-Haves are the next easiest to define. They are things I could live without, and once did. Netflix and Amazon Prime would be two examples from our current budget.

Wants fall somewhere between the two. These are things I can probably live without with some effort but wouldn’t necessarily want to try. The things that make modern life, well, so darned convenient. For me, with pretty severe allergies, a lawn service falls onto that list.

Not all the categories in our budget neatly divide along these lines. A phone is a necessity (though I have lived without one for several months). A cell phone is a convenience. A 4G iPhone is a luxury. Some house maintenance is a need (appliances, AC, pest control in Florida), some is a convenience (most interior and exterior). Home renovations, improvements and upgrades are a luxury. Credit cards are a convenience, though increasingly hard to live without. A lot of what I pay for with them are luxuries (movies, dinners, Starbucks), but some, like groceries, are not.

One car is a necessity for most American couples. A second car and all the expenses that go with it (gas, insurance, maintenance) is a convenience (a few would argue that a first car is, too). You probably know at least one couple that gets by with only one car. I know several. I also know people who chose to live where they can bike to work, though they still own at least one car.

Which brings me to insurance. This is a hard one. As I said in the previous essay, insurance as listed in our budget is not our premiums (which are automatically deducted before Karen’s take-home pay). It covers our co-pays and deductibles. Basic health insurance falls on my list as a need. But it’s similar to home maintenance in a way. Some things I can put off for a time (like painting the outside of the house, or an annual checkup), but it doesn’t take long before I find I am only robbing Peter to pay Paul.

For us, getting our eyes checked is close to a necessity each year (Karen once had a retina issue). New lenses for our glasses may or may not be a convenience in a given year (depending on how much the prescription has changed). New frames are more likely a luxury unless they are in disrepair. Designer frames definitely are. Chronic medical expenses drift higher on my priority list. If I had high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol, or a number of other chronic health issues, there is no question their care would be a necessity.

When Karen was young, healthy and single, she briefly slotted health insurance as a luxury due to the circumstances of her job. With our age and her medical history, health insurance is now a necessity for us both. The thing I am always careful of is saving a little now and paying a lot more later because I ignored a problem. Spending money on dental cleanings may seem like a convenience, until I end up needing a filling where I wouldn’t have, or a root canal where a filling might have worked (which thankfully, I’ve never had to).

There are no strict guidelines for me. I customize this parsing to my individual circumstances at the time. If my job required me to be available anywhere, anytime, a cell phone might be a necessity. If I had kids in school, Internet would be a necessity, as would be a reasonably decent computer. Right now, they are conveniences.

I know some of you might think that I’ve cracked a door open and will be tempted to kick it in to justify all the things I want by listing them as necessities or conveniences. I know a lot of people who see their iPhone as a necessity because they can’t stand to be out of touch. All I’ll say is that people who are serious about their personal finances don’t.

We are all adults (and if you are reading this and aren’t, I’ll treat you like one anyway). I know in my heart where things should fall. I may not like it, but I know. But there is no referee in this game. I am the only judge.

This tripartite categorization is just a lens through which to examine where we are so I can get us to where we want to be. While it’s not rigid, it can be as unforgiving as a Roman Triumvirate.

I’m guessing you know exactly what’s coming. Simple economics, the kind you all know, says if I am living on borrowed time, the first place I look to save money is under luxuries.

But here is where I’ll fool you. Unless I need money tomorrow, I don’t cut anything yet. Placing whole items on the chopping block is a drastic measure, one I only use in a drastic situation. Remember what I said about austerity in the first essay? Yeah, it still rarely works long-term.

A number of years ago, a friend of mine was diagnosed with high blood pressure. His doctor gave him two options. He could cut all the salt out of his diet, or he could take a pill each day to keep it under control. He didn’t do well with pills in general and didn’t like the idea of being on daily medication for the rest of his life, so he decided to try the first option. What he found as he tried this approach is that salt is in everything. Processed food is the worst, followed by any prepared meal you buy out. But he soldiered on, replacing the salt shaker on his table with mixed spices, diligently cutting out anything with salt on the label, including staples in his pantry like soup and bread.

I remember a conversation we had at some point when he was in the middle of this experiment. I said that I admired what he was doing, but thought that he was doing it the hard way. He got an odd expression and gave me a look that said he hadn’t thought of it like that before. To him, trying to change his habits was easier than trying to remember to take a pill every morning. Most people would have relied completely on medication to take care of the problem, changed nothing in their lives and forgotten about it. By trying to cut out all his salt, my friend gained valuable knowledge about the all the ingredients of his food. By reading all the labels, he learned about more than just salt. That experience taught him exactly what he eats and what is in his food.

I think it also showed him how difficult carving out salt alone was for correcting the problem. Slowly, his blood pressure came down. Some, but not enough. After a time, he was forced to go on blood pressure medication anyway. Today, he relies on a more balanced, sustainable combination of diet and exercise to keep his dose of blood pressure medication to a minimum. As a part of that, a few of the habits stuck with him, like substituting spices for salt whenever possible.

If I find myself on borrowed time in our budget, as we were close to when I first left engineering, I know I will need to eventually end up chopping away, perhaps not stopping at luxuries. But initially, that’s not the way I roll.

For most people, cutting expenses is like a starvation diet to lose weight, unsustainable. It’s a juggling act, temporary at best, until they build up a little money. Then they see that money sitting in their savings, a white-hot spot of gold waiting to burn a hole through their account. That’s when they’ll most likely tell themselves they deserve a treat for all their hard work and make up for anything they’ve saved by cutting out luxuries with one big purchase. And that puts them right back where they started.

From experience, I’ve found there is a smarter way to approach it.

You are probably thinking that this is the point where I tell you that we lived in privation for years in order to save money. Be prepared for disappointment. We lived simply, but didn’t sacrifice every luxury. In fact, rarely did I feel deprived. Saving is like dieting in that way. If you go for crash starvation, you are more likely get frustrated and binge because you feel you deserve it. If instead, you opt from a slower, steadier reduction in calories that has a few treats built in, you are more likely to change your habits and keep off the weight you lose.

In college, that translated to three luxuries: beer, pipe tobacco and coffee. None of them did I have every day. Most I could only afford once a week. Take coffee. Back then, I didn’t have coffee each morning (I didn’t pick up that habit until almost a decade later). Breakfast during the week was something quick, easy and cheap, cereal and juice, something I could get on the go. But every Sunday, I spent a little time making myself a full breakfast, bacon, eggs, a bagel with butter and honey, yogurt on occasion, juice and coffee. Not just any coffee, but one (at the time) I thought of as premium, International Coffee with chocolate. I know, by our standards today, that’s not exactly exciting and probably a toxic hazard, but when I sat down with my mug every Sunday morning, it was decadent. Certainly better than anything my friends drank.

It was a similar story with beer. Instead of buying whatever was on sale the cheapest each week, I sprang for a six of Heineken when I went shopping once a month. Knowing that when it was gone, it was gone allowed me to savor each bottle rather than just pounding down a can or two until it killed the flavor (if whatever was on sale actually had flavor, which it usually didn’t).

The pipe was limited to a bowl a week, two if I was feeling indulgent, a smooth, light tobacco called Fog Cutter (Black Cavendish) from a shop several miles away. I’ve never found anything quite like it since, though I’ve sampled any number that were close.

Those three luxuries always had me looking forward to the weekend, and savoring them when it arrived. During that year and a half, I never felt myself wanting. In fact, I felt quite content. There’s a psychological principle at work here. You won’t miss what you already have (you may want more of it, but that is a somewhat easier impulse to control).

The one other luxury I allowed myself was books. Paperbacks, mostly fantasy or science fiction. They were mostly metered out from gift certificates received at Christmas or my birthday. Or borrowed from friends or the little library I’d helped start for the science fiction club on campus.

The power of the need, want and nice-to-have system for us comes not just in budgeting and cutting back.  It comes in evaluating every purchase we make. Do we Need this or just Want it? Or will it just make us feel good for a little while as a Nice-to-Have?

A friend of mine in college had a great expression, “If you had everything in the world, where would you put it?” I’ve found that question to be useful in evaluating purchases. Do we have a place to put it? Will we actually use it, or do we just like the idea of having it? Will it just sit on a shelf taking up space until we give it away in the next closet cleanout?

Another question we end up asking is, do we have to buy it right now, or can it wait? Is what we have currently a serviceable solution? Are there alternatives or upgrades we haven’t thought of?

Again, I am not saying we try to pinch every penny until it bleeds. We don’t. What we are trying to do is make rational decisions not submit to impulse buying, which is very easy to do.

Let me give you an example. Of course, it involves gaming.

Last year, I reacquainted myself with wargaming which has been a hobby and pastime since I was around 16. Wargames in general take up a lot of table space. Depending on the game, they can require a surface 3-5 feet long. That’s bigger than our dining room table. I’ve had a 3.25’ square game table for a long time. But in the past year, I saw a number of fellow gamers post links to dedicated, custom built gaming tables. The problem is, custom means built-on-demand which translates to around $3000 with a 4-6 month wait. But they are recessed, felted, have covers, drink holders, all the bells and whistles. Some even come with outlets and USB charging station.

Now as much as I enjoy gaming (to the point people have openly questioned my game purchases, lifestyle and psychological stability), I cannot justify spending $3k on a table. And at 3.5’ x 5’ I’m not sure where I’d put it. That’s big enough that I’d have to dedicate a room which requires a major house rearrange. But a couple of my recent purchases would not fit on our existing gaming table.

Karen and I talked and came up with a few options. First, I could have her build a table from scratch. She is handy with tools and has built us bookshelves and cabinets in the past. I have full faith she could do it, and for a fraction of the price. We even know a guy who could set us up with some beautiful exotic wood.

Option two was to purchase a new dining room table. We recently found ourselves at Goodwill and spotted a perfect candidate. A 3.5’ x 6’ surface of thick, chunky planking bound with iron. $350. The only problem would have been that I’d have to hire 4 day-laborers and a truck at Home Depot just to get it in the door. But still a bargain. We could have willed this table to Karen’s nephew when we died (he is also a gamer). It would have lasted at least that long.

Option three was Karen’s. Buy a 4’ x 4’ piece of 1/8” plywood, varnish it and use it as a table topper when we need it, storing it against a wall in the library when we don’t. Total cost, including varnish, brushes, wood, and non-skid rounds to keep it from sliding, under $20. Home Depot would even cut the wood to size for us (we wanted it as wide as the current game table just longer).

That’s the option we chose. A $20 solution to a $3k problem. And when we picked up a game without knowing that it required an extra 9” of space? I took the leftover piece of plywood, cut it, varnished it, devised a support system from aluminum support slats and cobbled together blocks, and voila. An even bigger table.  Extra cost? Maybe $5. And if we need something even bigger (I am eyeing a game with a 4’ x 6’ map, don’t judge), we can do it again with a larger piece of wood and still not even approach the $350 of the middle solution.

Now putting this in context. We Needed a bigger game table if we wanted to play certain games (again, don’t judge). I Wanted the iron bound, oak table we saw at Goodwill because it would last a lifetime and a half at least (and looked like an iron-bound dungeon door laid on trestles). A dedicated, custom, covered, mahogany game table would have been a Nice-to-Have. Could I have afforded it? Yup, right out of my personal account without even blinking hard. But did I want to?

The funny thing is that because we put our own imagination, labor and love into the topper, and it matches our existing office furniture, we value it more than we might have the custom gaming table. Maybe because only part of that would have been a solution to a problem. The other part would have been a status symbol.

Which brings me to perhaps the point of this essay. Keeping up the Joneses. We all feel it, and do it to one extent or another. We all want to brag we have the biggest, best, or shiniest toy. Yeah, we are all just kids at Christmas comparing our haul with our friends as if it describes our value.

But the thing is, that endorphin hit doesn’t last. It never does. In fact, it’s more likely that peak leads to a trough later down the road. And to get that same high feeling requires bigger and “better” status symbols to share.

For me, financial independence comes by recognizing and managing that psychological urge. Note I said managing, not eliminating. First, I don’t think it’s possible. Second, I think it’s counterproductive to try. Third, we all Need things that make us feel good, or special, or unique. All of us. It’s in our DNA.

Again, when I was a kid, Izod polo shirts were all the rage. You might remember them as having the little alligator sewn over the breast. They were the status symbol worn by the preppies at my school. My mother couldn’t afford Izod. But, oddly, Sears had a knock-off whose name I don’t remember. Instead of an alligator, it had a dragon sewn on the breast. Ok, Sears, I get it, but DRAGON! How cool is that?! I was the only kid remember wearing them, and proudly so. That little dragon said more about me than any cloned alligator ever could have. I owned it and in doing so made it my own. No one dared make fun of me, at least to my face.

Which brings me to the final point of this essay. Every now and then, I look around, usually in the lead up to a hurricane but not always, and pick out exactly the things I couldn’t live without. I don’t mean the necessities like food, shelter and clothing; I mean the items that if I lost, I would mourn and not be able to easily replace. I mean the things that if I were to become a refugee that I would want to take with me.

Now I know that seems extreme, but it’s a useful mental exercise. It tells me which things I own are truly important to me. (Obviously, for the point of the exercise, I don’t mean living things like Karen or the cats, or ephemeral things like memories. I mean physical stuff).

A friend of mine grew up in a military family, which meant as a kid, he and his brothers moved around a lot. The US military is a no-nonsense organization. They don’t give their people a whole bunch of shipping space when they move personnel around. So my friend’s father laid out to each of them exactly how much room they had to bring their personal belonging each time they moved. In general, it was about the size of a footlocker. Most of us who remember being kids packing for a trip remember how devastatingly hard it could be to part with anything we owned, even for a short time. Imagine having to cull all of your belongings into the space of a footlocker every 2-4 years. He had to make the choice or his father would make it for him.

Anyway, the one thing my friend consistently chose to fill his space was comic books. He hauled those things all over Europe and beyond. Obviously, he valued them enough to take up precious space in exchange for other things he had collected and also valued. And in the end, because he had sacrificed for them, he likely valued them more. I suspect so as he still tells the story some fifty years later. They are integrated into his personality and unique profile though I don’t think he still has them. What matters is that they were important to him at the time.

Which is the final lesson for me. We are not cast in concrete; we adapt and evolve like oaks. Just because I valued something twenty years ago does not mean I have to value it still. Times change, as do people, their tastes and their priorities. It’s ok to let that go. But more on that in a future essay.

So, for me, when I lust after that shiny, new Nice-to-Have, I have to ask myself, if I only had so much space to evacuate my life, would it make the cut? For the many things I’ve wanted over the years, and some I’ve bought, the answer was sadly, no. A lesson I continue to learn as I swim deeper into this life.


© 2019 Edward P. Morgan III